Category Archives: Personal Growth

Family, Personal Growth, Psychological Safety

Sleep Debt Decreases Psychological Safety

“We found a very strong statistical relationship between the sleep debt of a leader and the psychological safety of their teams.” – Kristen Holmes, VP Performance at Whoop

Last week was pretty tough, but I’ve just discovered a scientific explanation of why, and this learning is worth the struggles! Read on if you’re interested…

I started this year super excited, determined to be intentionally intentional in living my purpose, “…adding value to people’s lives by vulnerably sharing my life experiences and learnings”. I was invited to speak at a conference in March about How Psychological Safety Enables Everyone to Thrive. As I prepared the talk, I found a level of passion and excitement, believing that the opportunities I’ve had to learn, practice, and teach psychological safety would be enormously impactful to everyone who attends. The opportunity to share how I’d personally grown by becoming psychologically safe to my children, wife, and friends was truly inspiring.

Unfortunately, this excitement quickly eroded into a feeling of deep hypocrisy. My wife and I rarely argue, but on Monday we had one of those rare arguments, culminating in raised voices and anger towards one another. My motivation to write and teach about psychological safety came to an abrupt halt. In that single argument, I was not psychologically safe. I didn’t listen, I didn’t empathize, and I invoked fear into my wife that her voice wouldn’t be heard. All of my learnings about psychological safety felt meaningless, and I began hearing that voice in my head saying “You’re a hypocrite. You have no right teaching about psychological safety when you continue to fail at being psychologically safe.”

Unfortunately, Monday’s argument was only the beginning. We had another argument on Thursday, and this argument ended even worse than the first, we both agreed we needed a few hours to cool off. After the call, the voice in my head got louder, “You’re a hypocrite.”

The day progressed, and I found myself in another situation. I became angry and frustrated with one of my children, and I immediately knew that my behavior had damaged my explicit goal of modelling perfect love toward my children. The Bible’s definition of psychological safety is in 1 John 4:18:

Perfect Love Casts out Fear Because Fear Expects Punishment

The voice became louder. “You’re a hypocrite, you don’t have a right or the credibility to teach others about psychological safety when you failed three different times this week!”

Fortunately, the voice didn’t last. I practiced what I’ve practiced a thousand times before, what Dr. Talley calls Integrity “Minimizing the time span between mess up and fess up”. I asked for forgiveness, and my wife and children quickly forgave me, but unfortunately it will take them a while to feel psychologically safe with me again, and it’s on me to learn and grow from my mistakes.

Integrity is minimizing the timespan between mess-up and fess-up

A wise counselor of mine, Pam, specializes in addiction recovery. I’ll never forget the time when a client of mine who struggled with addiction was beating himself up with shame. This client had stumbled and didn’t know what to do. Pam asked the question, “Do you know the purpose of a relapse?”. The client didn’t have an answer. “The purpose of a relapse is to learn. Never waste a relapse.” She asked the client what he learned, and he shared the events leading up to the relapse, and committed to make changes based on these learnings.

The purpose of a relapse is to learn. Never waste a relapse

In a sense, the arguments from last week with my wife and one of my children were relapses. I’ve spent the last few days trying to learn from these stumbles, and last night all the pieces came together.

On my drive home from skiing I listened to a podcast with Kristen Holmes, VP of Performance at Whoop. She mentioned a study her team had recently conducted on the impacts of sleep debt on executive function and psychological safety. The takeaway from the study?

Kristen and her team partnered with McKinsey and conducted a study of 70 CEOs and their direct reports. They measured daily sleep debt in the CEOs. In conjunction, they asked each of the CEO direct reports to fill out a daily survey of the level of psychological safety they felt that day when interaction with the CEO’s. The results were fascinating.

  • 45 minutes of sleep debt resulted in a 5-10% reduction in mental control (known as executive function, neurologically based skills involving cognitive control and emotional regulation).
  • 45 minutes of sleep debt resulted in a significant reduction in psychological safety as measured by their direct reports
  • The relationship between sleep debt and psychological safety is linear, meaning the more sleep debt the lower the psychological safety, culminating in as much as a 30% reduction in psychological safety!
  • The leaders themselves were unable to cognitively realize that they had sleep debt, yet those closest to the CEOs experienced the impact of their sleep debt by the way the CEO’s interacted, how they physically looked, and how effective they were at creating an environment of psychological safety, an environment where everyone on the team felt safe for interpersonal risk taking, Amy Edmonson’s definition of psychological safety.

Unfortunately, according to a study by McKinsey, nearly 66% of business leaders are dissatisfied with the amount of sleep they get. Furthermore, according to a 2022 study by US News and World Report, only 13% of people report regularly waking up feeling rested. Given that psychological safety is the #1 predictor of team success, and around 10% of teams have all members feeling psychologically safe, ensuring adequate sleep may be one of the most significant things we can do to improve!

After listening to this podcast, I reflected on my previous week where I’d struggled to be psychologically safe with my wife and children. As I reflected, I remembered that my sleep was terrible last week! Every day of the week I woke around 3 in the morning and was awake for 2-3 hours! Everyday last week I felt tired, lethargic, and edgy. My sleep debt (the gap between needed sleep and actual sleep) was off the charts last week, and as a result I wasn’t psychologically safe!

BOOM. The purpose of a relapse is education. These learnings make perfect sense and now I get to practice what I learned and vulnerably share my failures with others so they can learn! I’m recommitting myself to pay more attention to my sleep, and to experiment with different mechanisms to improve the quality and consistency of my sleep!

Questions to Consider?

  1. Do you have a desire to improve the performance of your team?
  2. How psychologically safe do members of your team feel?
  3. Are you proactively improving psychological safety on your team?
  4. Are you getting sufficient sleep to ensure that you are psychologically safe and your brain is functioning optimally?

If you’d like to learn more about how psychological safety can enable you and your team to thrive, I’m writing a book to help you. Click below to get a free copy!

If you’re ready to proactively improve psychological safety on your team, I’d love to help. You can schedule time to talk by clicking the link below.

Schedule time to talk about how i can help with psychological safety
Lessons learned, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth, Psychological Safety

Leaving the Liminal-My Journey to Rediscover my Purpose

I’ll never forget the day. It was May 8, 2023. I logged onto my computer, excited for the upcoming week of learning at Microsoft. I had no idea what the meeting titled “Urgent Business Meeting” meant, but I joined, excited to hear about any new changes. I joined the meeting, shocked to hear that my role and numerous others had been eliminated. My last day at Microsoft would be July 7, 2023. Ironically, 8 years prior, on July 8, 2015, I was also notified that my job had been eliminated from Microsoft.

  • In 2015 I was full of gratitude and wrote a blog “Thank you Microsoft and Goodbye“. The blog went viral, I spent the next 5 months writing my first book, Pain Drives Change, in 45 days and enjoying my family. I loved Microsoft and reached out to a friend. This friend mentioned her GM had seen my blog and “wanted people like me” on the team. A few weeks later, I interviewed, and a job was created for me. I was ecstatic!
  • My next 8 years at Microsoft were unquestionably the most meaningful years of my career. When I was notified in 2023 that my job was eliminated, I was once again filled with gratitude, and wrote another blog with the same title, “Thank you Microsoft and Goodbye“.

I’ll be forever grateful for the 20 years I served at Microsoft. I tell people that Microsoft is the best company on the planet, and I still believe this with all my heart, despite the temporary pain of being suddenly let go. Pain drives change, and I vowed to let the pain of this layoff change me and set the direction for the rest of my life. I’ve watched God’s hand work in my life and so many other people’s lives in the midst of pain, and I’ve learned to find joy in the pain as the Bible speaks to:

James 1:2-4 “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

My wife and I went to lunch after I was notified of my layoff in 2023. Once again, she was in disbelief. I told her we’d be fine, but that I was going to reach out to the inner circle of men in my life, a group of men that I’d trust with my life, the group of men that I’d selected years earlier to be a part of a men’s group where we could encourage and inspire one another to live a life of significance.

I called Dave, one of my most trusted friends. He’d retired only a few months earlier, and I’d walked with him as he prepared for retirement the year before and was navigating the early months of retirement. His words were profound. “Damon, welcome to the liminal season of your life. I’ve been walking it for a year, and it’s been one of the most painful and rewarding years of my life. You’ll be tempted to jump into something new to avoid the pain, but don’t. Give yourself at least 6 months and wait on the Lord. When the time is right, He’ll reveal to you what you are to do for the rest of your life. But prepare yourself, it’s going to be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done. I’m walking the same path but I’m a few months ahead of you. Feel free to reach out at any time for emotional support. I don’t think your layoff was a setback, I think it was a set-up by God so you can bring the wisdom from your life experiences to the world.”

WOW. Dave, your words couldn’t have been more true. I’ve taken your advice, and I took the last 7 months off. For the first time in my life, I chose to intentionally be unintentional, a foreign concept to me.

I’ve been intensely intentional for my whole life. In a conversation with another one of the men in my group, Chuck, he said “Damon, you’ve been maniacally intentional and focused ever since I met you“. I’m going to share some examples of this maniacal intentionality, not to boast about my accomplishments, but to shed light on how difficult it would be for me to be intentionally unintentional.

  • In high school I realized that if I wanted to go to college, I’d have to figure out how to pay for it. So, I intentionally pursued every extracurricular activity I could find because I knew these activities were critical to winning scholarships to college. As a result, I won 7 scholarships which paid for my first 2 years of college.
  • After 2 years in college, I realized an internship was my only path to paying for the remainder of my education, so I moved to Seattle to attend UW. A few months later, I found that internship at Sundstrand Data Control. I loved working there so much that I worked 30 hours per week AND obtained my Mechanical Engineering Degree.
  • I continued working at Sundstrand and intentionally pursued promotion. I became the youngest engineering manager in the company.
  • When I learned about Six Sigma, I intentionally focused and became the fastest person to certify as a Master Black Belt in 13 months.
  • When my second daughter, Noelle, was born I took 6 weeks off from Microsoft and built an addition on my house with my brother.
  • When I was 39, I was asked to lead the small groups ministry at my church. I worked full-time, had a young family, and successfully built the small group system from 3 groups to 33 groups in 18 months.
  • When I turned 40, I decided it was time to permanently lose the extra weight, so I intentionally began running and biking 5-6 times per week.
  • A few years later, I decided I wanted to do a triathlon, but I didn’t know how to swim. I intentionally focused on swimming, and a year later I swam across Lake Roosevelt and back (2.4 miles!)
  • When I was laid off from Microsoft in 2015, I wrote my first book in 45 days.
  • When I turned 50, I intentionally built Change YOUniversity while working full-time, raising a family, and acting as the VP of Culture for one of the premiere junior football programs in America.
  • When I got cancer in 2019, I intentionally kept exercising and wrote my second book as I went through cancer, riding my bike 15 miles to the UW on my final day of radiation treatment!

As you can imagine, the idea of living without intentionality, even for a season, was terrifying. After all, up until this point in my life, I’d allowed myself to be defined by my accomplishments, and I’d unknowingly allowed the pursuit of my accomplishments to become a sometimes-addictive agent, numbing the devastating pain that my body still held from a childhood of extreme trauma (I’ll write about this in depth in the future).

The liminal space is defined as “the space between what is and what will happen next”….and according to experts, “it has a major effect on our mental health” and “when you are in a place of unknowing, that can be massively scary, uncomfortable, and create anxiety.” I’ve simplified this statement as follows:

Uncertainty produces anxiety, but predictability brings peace.

I’m going to be brutally honest and vulnerable here. The last 7 months of being intentionally unintentional and remaining in the liminal space have easily been some of the most difficult but rewarding times of my life. The uncertainty about my future has produced enormous, almost unbearable anxiety. My fear of my unknown future has been debilitating at times. But I’ve chosen to listen to the counsel of the people in my life that I trust and remain in the liminal space until God showed me the path out. In these dark times I’ve found enormous hope in the stories of countless people that God has put in the liminal space (many times referred to as the wilderness) before using them for His glory.

I’ll write more about how God softened my heart and strengthened the most important relationships in my life during this season, but for now, suffice it to say that it’s once again abundantly obvious that only God could orchestrate this season so that He could do the work in me that only He knew I needed.

Ironically, the work that I’m most proud of at Microsoft happened over the last 3 years, ultimately culminating in a proven process enabling individuals and teams to thrive that is being used by hundreds of thousands of teams across the world.

And it’s the findings from this work on thriving that made my liminal season even more painful. The research is abundantly clear, thriving at work is best measured by the energy you feel from the work by asking the simple question “I was excited to work every day last week.” And the core drivers of being excited (energized) by your work occur when 2 things are present:

  1. The work is aligned to your purpose (e.g. calling, reason to live, why you wake up in the morning). The Japanese call this Ikigai.
  2. You are using your God given strengths at least 20% of your time at work every day.

The most poignant research I discovered from the Blue Zones project:

Knowing your purpose can add 7 years to your life.

Belonging to a shared purpose can add 14 years to your life.

This statistic haunted (and inspired) me nearly every day of the past 7 months. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.

  • What is my purpose?
  • How can I use my strengths to fulfill this purpose?
  • How can I find belonging in this purpose?
  • And the most difficult question of all. “If I don’t find and pursue this purpose, will I ever be able to enjoy life with the anxiety I’m constantly feeling?”

I called Dave countless times, full of tears. He kept assuring me that God would reveal His purpose in His time, and not to rush through this season, but allow the season to shape my character. So, I kept waiting.

A few months ago, I started getting some signals of my purpose:

  • A former co-worker, Ellen, found me on LinkedIn and asked me if I’d be a guest on her show. She shared that my cancer story had inspired her.
  • A few weeks later, I was invited to speak at the Institute for Sustainable Diversity and Inclusion on psychological safety. Effenus, the co-director, found me through a random search on LinkedIn. We had an initial call, and I watched the excitement grow as my passion for psychological safety exuded. I’ll be giving my talk on psychological safety in March!
  • A close friend reached out and asked if I wanted to co-host a podcast with him; a podcast whose purpose was not to sell, but to serve by sharing our experiences in life!

For the first time in months, I found myself excited and energized about the opportunities! I began thinking about how I could add the most value during these talks, and found myself dreaming about the opportunities again!

Ellin and I recorded our conversation yesterday on psychological safety. I shared my journey through cancer, and how Erinn, a co-worker who I fully trusted, listened as I shared my fears about cancer and work, and how her words inspired me to do the research that may have ultimately saved my life. I watched as Ellin listened in awe and was inspired by my story, and I experienced a level of energy and purpose unlike I’d felt in years.

Later that day, I told my wife that I’d felt dead emotionally for months, but today I felt alive.

God is finally bringing me out of the liminal space and into the promised land, and my purpose is becoming more and more clear.

Adding value to people’s lives

It’s the same purpose I’ve had since 2001, but this time it’s becoming even more clear to me…

I add value to people’s lives, inspiring them by vulnerably sharing the transformative impact of my life experiences.

My first book, Pain Drives Change, has inspired countless people to change because I vulnerably shared how God used the pain of a very dark season to transform me.

My second book, Apathy or Action, has inspired people by offering them hope and inspiration to take action because I vulnerably share my cancer story.

My third book on psychological safety will inspire people to change because I will vulnerably share my own story of how psychological safety has impacted my life and the lives of countless others.

My fourth book, From Protection to Connection, will inspire people to break the generational impact from trauma in their lives because I will vulnerably share my 25-year journey of overcoming childhood trauma and striving to break the generational curses in my family and the families of hundreds of men I coached in my organization, Change YOUniversity.

I’ve learned a lot as I’ve journeyed through the liminal space the last 7 months. The fear and anxiety I regularly felt because I’d forgotten my purpose and chose to be intentionally unintentional was debilitating at times. However, I won’t waste this pain, because I know there are countless people who have either forgotten their purpose or never discovered their purpose, and if my pain can add value to even one of these people’s lives it was worth it.

I’d love your feedback-did this blog add value to your life? How else can I add value to you?

Apathy or Action, Bipolar, Cancer, Family, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

Thank you, Microsoft, and Goodbye…

5 Comments

This is going to be tough. I’ve been putting it off as long as I could, but this morning the tears started flowing and I knew it was time to write my goodbye letter.

I’m sitting in the Commons at Microsoft, the same place I discovered a procedure that likely saved my life from cancer 4 years ago. If it weren’t for the relationships, resources, and benefits from Microsoft I might be dead, and I’d certainly not have the life I never dreamed possible.

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for my 20 years, and I want to express that gratitude in no uncertain terms. Overcoming bipolar, a child with addiction, my wife’s cancer twice, my first layoff in 2015 and the resultant book and coaching organization that’s positively impacted hundreds of lives, overcoming cancer myself and writing my second book, and finally the discovery of psychological safety that has impacted hundreds of teams at Microsoft and countless lives across the world….these are the most significant events that I can thank Microsoft for. Thank you, Microsoft!

When people hear that I was impacted by the layoffs, they always say “I’m sorry”. I thank them for their sentiment, but quickly let them know there’s no reason to be sorry. I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams through the experience, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude is my deepest emotion since hearing the news, and with every passing day I feel more grateful. I still believe Microsoft is the best company on the planet to work for, and I’m eternally grateful for the last 20 years.

I’d like to share a bit of my journey with Microsoft here, hopefully it will inspire you to take a moment and reflect on the blessings in your own life, particularly in the darkest moments. I’ve spoken with many of you, and you’ve shared how devastating it is to hear of me and your peers losing jobs. I want to encourage you to shift your focus to thankfulness for what you still have at and because of Microsoft.

I started Microsoft in 2003 before I married Debbie. Neither of us could imagine the blessings we would experience because of Microsoft. Microsoft and each of my managers have walked beside us and supported us in the most difficult seasons of our lives. The experiences and learning have shaped me and everyone I interact with. The opportunities and learnings will open doors for me to fulfill my true calling in life for the rest of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • I survived the dark winter of 2007 when I was so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed to go to work because of my bipolar illness. In the ensuing years, Microsoft’s health benefits inspired me to begin exercising regularly, a habit I’ve continued for 15 years that has fully stabilized my bipolar and provided the energy to carry me through the ups and downs of life.
  • I survived the darkest days of my life when my daughter struggled with addiction. The overwhelming support from my manager, Jesse, and the benefits enabled her to fully overcome her addiction.
    • Years later, I received the same level of support to help her diagnose and stabilize from her own diagnosis with bipolar. Her life is completely different today and she’s studying to be a therapist because Microsoft gave me the time to support her in her darkest season and provided the benefits to get her the help she needed.
  • We survived my wife’s first bout with cancer in 2013. The world class benefits paid for the treatment she needed. Thanks to my manager, Carol, for providing the support and flexibility we needed so I could care for her and our children when needed.
  • We survived a layoff in 2015. The generous severance I took 5 months off to write my first book, Pain Drives Change, in 45 days. These 5 months allowed me to spend time with my mom before she died just 2 weeks after I returned to Microsoft in December 2015. Thank you, Nathalie, and Sean, for creating the role that I’ve been blessed with over the last 7 years.
  • We survived my wife’s 2nd bout with cancer in 2018. This time Microsoft’s new family leave benefit allowed me 6 full weeks off to fully care for her and the children. Thank you, Sean, for your support during this season.
  • We survived my bout with cancer in 2019.  I had no idea that the data analysis skills I learned in 2008 as the Xbox 360 Quality Manger would help me analyze the research and discover the cure to my cancer. I might be dead today if I didn’t have my team member and future manager, Erinn, who I felt safe enough with to share my cancer fears with, and her ensuing advice to take time for myself to research this cancer.

I wrote my second book, Apathy or Action, as I went through cancer. I had no idea that this book would inspire so many, including more than 15 people who are writing and publishing their own books that are inspiring others. All because of the opportunity Microsoft availed me to offer coaching through MS Auction!

When I returned to work in 2020 after surviving cancer, I worked with my manager, Sean, to pivot my work and align it with the strengths he saw in me. Thank you, Sean, for the opportunity to study productivity and begin coaching teams and individuals through my learnings. This pivot has resulted in the most fulfilling 3 years of my entire career, a season of significance where I added value to countless lives.

Thank you, Erinn for casting the vision that’s being realized, that I would be known as the psychological safety expert within Microsoft, and that I would speak and inspire people around the world.

My discovery and understanding of psychological safety has literally changed my life and the lives of countless people. It’s changed my marriage and my relationships with my kids. It’s changed the lives of hundreds of teams in Microsoft and hundreds of thousands of teams in the 62,000 organizations that are using the tooling I built with Engin. It’s changed hundreds of men that I’ve coached to break generational curses in my coaching organization, Change YOUniversity, creating a safe space to be vulnerable and heal from childhood trauma.

As I began speaking across Microsoft and hearing how my story, psychological safety, and the process I developed to improve it inspired others, I knew I’d been blessed with experiences, information, and tooling that could literally improve every person on the planet. My work quickly transformed from work to a calling.

A friend said it best. This layoff isn’t a setback, it’s a set-up. I’m more excited about my future than ever, a future where I’ll fulfill my true calling, and an opportunity to reach countless more people than if I’d remained employed by Microsoft.

Thank you, Microsoft. Thank you, Russ, Maren, Mark, Paul, Jesse, Carol, Paul, Sean, Erinn, Dawn, and Myron, for being managers I could fully trust and for enabling me to apply my strengths to help countless people. Thank you, Kristen, for the world-class benefits and your ongoing encouragement to me. Thank you, Nathalie, for allowing me to be a part of your team for 7 incredible years. Most of all, thank you to all my co-workers for your friendship and ongoing encouragement to use the gifts God’s given me to inspire others. I’ll miss the comradery and relationships the most.

Please connect with me on LinkedIn, and if I’ve added any value to your life through the years, please share this post to your network on LinkedIn. I’d love to have you join my group on LinkedIn, Thriving in Work and Life and we’ll build a community to inspire each other. Finally, if you’d like to hear about my new books on psychological safety at work and another on overcoming trauma when then come out, please sign up here.

Thank you, Microsoft, and goodbye.

Damon

Apathy or Action, Bipolar, Cancer, Lessons learned, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

I Have Cancer Part 13-I Can’t

9/20/2019

I just finished my 8th radiation treatment. That puts me at 26.7% complete. This is going to sound crazy, but stick with me….

I LOVE my daily dose of radiation!


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to the pain, loss of taste, loss of saliva, and tiredness they are promising me. But I love my daily visits to UW for my radiation treatment.

Crazy, I know…and a lot different than my attitude a little less than 2 weeks ago where I was in denial and didn’t want to do it.

What changed? Simple. My attitude and outlook. I chose action in lieu of my previous apathetic attitude toward radiation. Nothing else changed. Just my attitude and the resultant actions that followed.

What triggered this change? Pain. But not the pain of radiation treatment or cancer, it was the severe and debilitating pain I experienced more than 10 years ago. This pain drove me to change, and I’m still reaping the benefits of that changed today.

In order to fully understand why I love my radiation treatments I’ll need to go back to that time when I was in extreme and debilitating pain.

It January 17, 2007. The middle of “winter” in Seattle. Weeks of grey rainy weather and no sign of the sun was getting me down. I called my wife on the phone crying my eyes out. I was depressed and couldn’t make it through the day. I was hopeless and miserable.

I’m bipolar and I was experiencing the depressive phase of manic depression. I’d been here before, but this time was different. I’d decided to stop taking my medication because it was killing my emotions (I felt like a zombie) and it had contributed to my massive weight gain (I was nearly 260 pounds with my ideal adult weight being 205 pounds). Stopping the medication helped me feel again, I certainly could feel my emotions now as I sobbed on the phone with my wife.

2 days later I wrote in my journal, my depression had reached a point of debilitation.

“Stayed home from work, couldn’t get energy to get up”

 

I laid on the couch all morning with tears in my eyes being overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and depression. I felt hopeless. In my pain I was forced to change. I called a friend and he encouraged me to go back on the medication. Reluctantly, I agreed.

 

My moods started to improve. Over the next few months I started gathering clues about the cause of my depression. Here are a few excerpts from my journal:

 

January 23

…. Feeling very sad and disheartened afterward. What is my future???

January 24

Moods fluctuate considerably within a day. Realized that I don’t have a VISION…so nothing pulls me forward

January 27

Feeling VERY sleepy and lethargic. Related to getting up at 5:30?

January 30

3rd day in a row feeling good, wow! 10 minutes of sun lamp today, too..

February 5

Feeling more lethargic today. It is cloudy and gloomy out. Work is slow today as well…is that a clue?

February 6

Exercised at lunch yesterday, felt good.

February 16

Worked at home today. Felt good because I got some results (and watched a guy I’m mentoring get results).

June 7

Stopped taking Lexapro because feeling WAY too stimulated.

July 11

AWESOME Team Offsite. Developing leaders makes me PERFECTLY congruent

Aug 15

Back to work after long vacation at Lake Roosevelt. Absolutely Incredible!

 

The “factors” that seemed to contribute to my depression (and/or help remove the depression)

  • Having a vision for my future
  • Not having adequate sleep
  • Sunlight
  • Exercise
  • Mentoring/coaching
  • Developing leaders
  • Family vacation time

Unfortunately, a few months later the weather began to turn, and I began feeling depressed again.

Before I share the rest of the story, I have a confession to make. I started writing this chapter almost 2 weeks ago and I haven’t been able to finish it because I felt like a hypocrite writing about feeling AWESOME when it quickly became a lie. I haven’t been feeling awesome, I’ve been tired and consumed with something I didn’t expect to happen. My body started to itch everywhere. I thought it was associated with the radiation, but the doctors swear it isn’t. It got so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night scratching, but I found no relief. I called the dermatologist and unfortunately had to wait almost a week before seeing them. The itching became worse and worse. I became more and more frustrated and my calves were covered in sores where I’d scratched so much I broke through the skin.

And I’m writing a chapter about how great I feel? I simply couldn’t do it. It was a lie.

When I finally met the dermatologist, I pleaded with her to do anything to stop the itching. She looked at my body and boldly declared “I don’t know what is causing this.” She proceeded to take a biopsy declaring “I doubt it will reveal anything, but we have to try.” She then decided to throw everything at my itching to stop it. She prescribed creams and anti-itch pills and allergy medicine and moisturizers and….

But it didn’t work. I woke up in the middle of the night and I itched so bad that I almost woke my wife up to take me to the hospital.

A few days later I was watching my daughter’s volleyball game and my arms began breaking out in little bumps everywhere. I quickly drove to the dermatologist’s office only to find that they were closed. I called to talk with the on-call physician and got a voicemail.

The next morning, they called me back. “I’m sorry Mr. Stoddard, but there isn’t anything more we can do. Are you showering regularly?”

Yes, I said!

“You might want to cut back on showers and make sure they are cold to lukewarm and try not to use much soap.”

“Oh, and did she tell you this would go on for weeks before it might clear up?”

“No, she didn’t. Thank you for the call.”

Weeks? I had to continue to deal with this itching for weeks? My spirits plummeted. Here I am going through radiation treatments for cancer and now I have to go through weeks of itching so badly that I am scratching through the skin?

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life

I was crushed. I became cynical and started snapping at my wife when she tried to have a conversation with me. My heart was sick.

I had a choice. I could dwell in my misery or I could accept it. I’m not sure when it happened, but I accepted it. My itchy skin was 100% out of my control. The specialists were doing all they could. I accepted it.

I continued doing everything I could to take care of myself making sure I filled my time with things that give me energy and remove things that don’t.

I had dinner with my friend and inspiration who is going through cancer that may be terminal. I rode my bike to and from work. I listened to worship music in my truck. I spent evenings coaching my junior football players. I spent an evening in the rain with my family watching our high school football team destroy their opponents. I went to the Casting Crowns concert with my family and worshipped my God who gives and takes away. I developed a program to help my coaches in Change YOUniversity grow to the next level. I spent time at my vacation home. I celebrated my being halfway done with radiation treatments by biking 20 miles to my 15th treatment in the sun along Lake Washington.

And somehow the itching doesn’t consume me anymore. Maybe it’s the medicine and the creams. Or maybe it’s a result of continuing to love myself by taking care of myself that has almost eliminated my skin itching.

I just returned from the dermatologist. The biopsy was inconclusive. It might be weeks before my itching is completely gone. But it doesn’t matter. I’ve accepted that I’ll itch and I’ve accepted that we will never know what caused the itching. But it doesn’t matter….

I just completed my 16th radiation treatment and I feel FANTASTIC. My energy is through the roof, the pain from the radiation only reveals itself when I swallow, and it’s not extreme. I’ve lost my sense of taste and about half my saliva. But I feel FANTASTIC.

Why do I feel fantastic? Let’s go back in time to about 10 years ago when I learned a powerful lesson on life

Your system is perfectly designed to get you the results you are getting…

Deming

Fall was coming and I began to feel very anxious that once again I was entering deep depression, the same depression that left me on the couch unable to get up and go to work less than a year earlier.

A few entries in my journal revealed some more clues as to why I was feeling depressed.

9/18/2007

Wellbutrin…started today..

10/03/2007

Woke up this morning and almost in tears for no reason…

10/06/2007

Going to start Lexapro today

10/08/2007

Debbie and I decided that the Lexapro isn’t going to work…just makes me too distant. We’re going to try to stabilize the Wellbutrin by going to SR vs. XL.

 

Also, I’m going to stop being a victim…take walks in the morning, eat right, exercise, change my thought processes.

10/11/2007

Feeling REALLY sad and empty this morning….despair, no hope for the future

10/17/2007

Woke up anxious, called Dad and started to cry. Called Don and started to cry. Is this a spiritual battle?

10/18/2007

This is a spiritual battle, and I’m going to fight it with spiritual weapons! Tears again this morning. Began running in the mornings today.

10/19/2007

Feel better today than I have in a long time. Took 150 Welbutrin XL last night and 150 this morning. Attacking this like a spiritual battle. With HIM I will emerge victorious!

    

I’d decided to try a new medication to help with my depression, Wellbutrin. Unfortunately, the Wellbutrin didn’t help my depression, so I started taking my old medication, Lexapro. A few days later I realized why I stopped taking the Lexapro. It numbed my emotions and it had a very negative impact on or relationship.

Debbie and I had the talk that would change my life and the lives of all the people I influence.

Apathy would say that I was a victim of bipolar and me and my family would suffer the consequences because of this biological condition. After all, I had a good excuse. I was born with bipolar and it was out of my control.

Action would say that I may not have control over my biological conditions, but I have complete control over my actions to minimize the impact.

Apathy or Action

I had a tough decision to make. Was I going to choose to remain apathetic about my condition or was I going to stop being a victim and take action? Pain drives change and I was suffering enormous emotional pain through my depression and anxiety.

I chose action.

“I’m going to stop being a victim…take walks in the morning, eat right, exercise, change my thought processes.”

The action I took started with a decision. A decision to start taking care of myself. A decision to start loving myself.

I wish I could say things got better after that decision. They didn’t. In fact only 3 days later I woke up and wrote “Feeling sad and empty this morning….despair, no hope for the future.”

A week later nothing had changed. I was in tears and feeling helpless, full of fear and all alone. I called my dad crying my eyes out.

Then I called my pastor, my friend, and the man who has made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else.

“Don, I can’t stop crying. I’m depressed, full of anxiety and nothing is helping.”

“Damon, I think it’s a spiritual battle and you need to attack it spiritually. Read the book ‘Waking the Dead’, spend time daily in the Bible, pray, and sing your favorite worship music.

The next morning was different. I woke up in tears again, but this time I wasn’t a victim to my tears. I took action. I went for a run (well, actually it was a walk with a short jog in the middle) and during this run I listened to my favorite worship music (very loud) and I verbally spoke a few of my favorite scriptures out loud.

2 Timothy 1:7

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

Wow, that felt good. So, I said it again, this time louder.

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

It was as if these words penetrated the fear and the anxiety and depression lifted. I stopped feeling like a victim and started feeling hope that I’d be victorious. So I said it again, this time I said it like I believed it!

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

The next morning I felt better than I had in a long time. My apathy was gone and now I was taking action.

“Attacking this like a spiritual battle. With HIM I will emerge victorious!”

The next morning I continued my routine and wrote in my journal “Feel Good”. And the next morning I did the same and wrote in my journal “Feel Good”. And the next and the next and the next…..

Don was right. It was a spiritual battle and for the first time in 40 years I began winning the battle with my new spiritual weapons of scripture, worship music, time in nature, and taking care of my body by running!!

But God was just getting started with my transformation. That weekend I attended a men’s conference. I cried on the way to the conference, but felt incredibly refreshed on the drive home. God gave me a vision for the purpose of my life at that conference. A vision that ignited a deep passion inside of me. A vision that would utilize everything I’d gone through for my entire life to benefit others. He gave me a vision for developing men.

Proverbs 29:18

“Without a vision the people perish”

This new vision for my life inspired me. I no longer struggled to get out of bed in the morning but began looking forward to my time in the morning to worship, exercise, and be in nature. To nurture the vision He’d given me while I was in the wilderness.

A month later I came across another scripture that explained where I was and where I’d be going.

Jeremiah 17:7-9

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. “For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.”

I was learning how to trust in the Lord. I was building deep roots. He was preparing me for the heat that would come into my life over the coming years, and He was showing me how not to be anxious in this heat and continue bearing fruit in my life.

12/22/2007

Sun lamp in the morning. I like how it makes me feel!

1/3/2008

Started training for a 5k today!

1/9/2008

Sunlamp or running or Wellbutrin are having a consistent effect on my attitude/moods

4/30/2008

Great meeting with my mentor. He pointed out that others are noticing I’m “changing” (e.g. considering others’ needs before my own). God spoke to me in this moment..

6/02/2008

Good weekend. Been feeling pretty good for a long time

 

In the next few months my relationship with Christ grew stronger than it had ever been. I set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. and every morning I got up. I stopped walking outside in the mornings because of the weather but I started going to my chair in the living room. I discovered that I also suffered with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and that using a sunlamp in the morning had the same impact on me that the sun did. I sat in front of the sunlamp, listened to worship music, read my Bible and my soul was replenished.

A few months earlier I was in tears in the morning. Now I couldn’t wait to get out of bed and nourish my soul!

I continued running and set a goal to run my first 5k. I began running 3-5 times per week and discovered that I always had incredible energy after my runs. I completed my first 5k right after my son, Nathan was born!

Don and I had breakfast a few months later. He shared that the changes in me were obvious. Many people commented to him that I was changing. He shared that I was no longer selfish but becoming selfless. I was putting others needs in front of my own and they were noticing it.

On June 2, 2008 I wrote in my journal:

“Good weekend. Been feeling pretty good for a long time.”

I changed my system and it changed the results in my life. I chose action over apathy. I chose not to be a victim and emerged victorious.

These lessons carried me through my daughter’s struggles with addiction. They carried me through my wife’s battle with cancer. They carried me through my time of being laid off from Microsoft. They carried me through my mother’s sickness and eventual death. They carried me through my wife’s 2nd bout with cancer and they are carrying me through my own bout with cancer.

On October 3, 2007 I was entering severe depression. I woke up with tears in my eyes. That was exactly 12 years ago. I’m writing this on October 3, 2019. My mood swings from bipolar are 100% gone. I have never experienced depression since. I have tons of energy and I’m living the life of my dreams. I’m on my 17th day of radiation treatment and I feel better than the day I started treatment. I feel the sun on my back and I’ve decided that I’m going to bike 22 miles to radiation treatment again today. The doctors tell me that the next 4 weeks are going to be very difficult. You might say I’m entering a season of drought. But I am not anxious. I trust in the Lord. He has carried me before and He will carry me during this season as well.

Thank you Jesus for the lessons you taught me in my pain 12 years ago. Thank you that you didn’t remove my pain until I learned the lessons. Thank you that you helped me turn these lessons into habits, habits that carried me so many times and will carry me in the future. Thank you for the fruit from these lessons. Thank you for the vision that is becoming a reality, the vision of developing men. Thank you for the gift of writing. Thank you for replenishing my soul while I worship you on my bike rides in the sun listening to my favorite music.

And thank you for the cancer that was in my body a few months ago and will never return. If I hadn’t had that cancer I wouldn’t have written this book. Jesus I pray that my experiences will bring glory to you and positively influence those who I influence.

Amen

P.S. I’ve received overwhelming feedback about the inspiration my story is offering people so I’ve decided to write and publish a book. If you’re interested, you can pre-order it here. I’ll be donating 200% of the profits to help raise awareness of treatment options for head and neck cancer.


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Family, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

One of the best decisions I ever made for my family…

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San Diego Family Trip February 2019

As a young boy I can only remember a few family vacations, and anything I do remember is vague at best. I was younger than 5 and I think we travelled to Disneyland one time when my mom was still married to her 3rd husband (the same husband that sent her to the emergency room with 20+ stitches in her head). I vaguely recall arguments while driving down highway 101. I remember another trip when we decided to “road trip” down the Oregon coast, but once again I’d prefer not to think about this trip either, all I remember is a drunken binge withy my mom and older siblings, camping in the freezing cold rain.

I did take few vacations when I was older, however. Trips with my foster “dad”, the same man who I talk about in my book. Trips to Disneyworld travelling across the country and a final trip to Texas as he fled Washington State because the police began investigating his behaviors with the boys in his group home. Of course, I didn’t know this at the time, but looking back I can see these “trips” were forms of bribery and manipulation from a sick man with a little boy named Damon.

This trip to Texas would be my last “vacation” with the exception of a weekend trip with my mom as she visited her married boyfriend. The same trip that resulted in my mom drinking her final drink and ending this relationship for good.

Needless to say, my memories of family vacations as a child aren’t the best. As I sit and write this, I struggle to understand why I ultimately decided to make family vacations with my own children such a high priority in my life. I can’t say for sure, but in my blog “Staying at the Show and Tell” I talk about the impact that 1 night away as a family had on our family bonding when Nathan was just a toddler, and in this blog I committed to being intentional about going away as a family. Looking back, this was one of the best decisions Debbie and I made early in our marriage.

I’m writing this blog on the plane flying home after spending the last 7 days with Nathan, Noelle and Debbie. Amanda and Monica couldn’t make this trip. We missed them a lot…the last time we went to San Diego we were all together and had a great time.

What an incredible trip we had. A wise mentor once told me how important it was to “Escape Annually” and recreate or re-create. I needed this vacation and so did my family. Last year was extremely difficult-Debbie’s cancer came back a second time and had a long recovery from her surgery. I’ve been working full-time at Microsoft while also building my coaching business, Change YOUniversity in my “spare-time” (when I’m not sharing leadership responsibilities as the Vice President for Cedar Park Junior Football), attending classes for my Masters in Leadership, or working toward my coaching credentials. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I’m also embroiled in a legal matter that has taken it’s toll.

I was tired and needed to “escape” to gain some perspective on my world and what really matters. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the conviction to plan this escape months ago and giving me the conviction to disconnect during the week. I needed it, my kids needed it, my marriage needed it….and every other area of my life will be positively impacted because of it.

What made this week so special? It certainly wasn’t the sunny weather in San Diego…there was more rain this week than San Diego “ever gets” according to the locals. It was windy and pretty cold on the other days. Yeah, we had 3 or 4 days of sunny weather and it made up for the rain…but unlike other trips to San Diego, the weather this time wasn’t the best. It certainly wasn’t the tourist attractions (although our 1 day of visiting the San Diego Safari park was awesome…until it started raining around 1:00 making it quite cold…). It wasn’t the easy parking at the airport (we almost missed our flight because all of the parking lots were full), and it wasn’t the short lines getting to our flight (if not for Noelle telling me to leave 15 minutes earlier than I’d planned we would have missed our flight). It wasn’t the boneheaded move of scraping the side of the rental car on the garage that will cost me hundreds of dollars, and it wasn’t the sleeping arrangements for Nathan (on the cold floor with a thin matt).

So, what was it that made this trip so unique and special?

  • Perhaps it was the excitement in Nathan and Noelle in the week’s leading up to the trip.
    • Noelle planned everything and packed her clothes nearly a week in advance.
    • Nathan made sure to pack his beloved football
  • Perhaps it was the anticipation of waking up at 5:15 a.m. on the day of our flight with the kids waking up excited soon afterward
  • Perhaps it was the fish tacos while we waited for our AirBnB to open up
  • Or maybe it was watching Noelle jump on the pretty Orange Schwinn bike on the boardwalk trail right after arriving
  • Or Nathan pulling out the football and playing catch with me soon afterward
  • Maybe it was walking a few hundred yards and watching the kids play in the cold ocean with the sun going down
  • Or snuggling in our AirBnB watching dumb shows after shopping and buying Oreo cookies and Ribeye steaks
  • Maybe it was waking up to my wife sitting peacefully on the stairs drinking her coffee
  • Perhaps it was getting up and running on the boardwalk around Mission Bay and coming back to my kids and wife relaxing and enjoying the sun as it shone through the window
  • Maybe it was sitting in the sun on the deck of the Olive Café many mornings enjoying incredible food and incredible company
  • It could have been the laughter and smile on Noelle’s face after our adventure of riding bikes home on the boardwalk as the ocean wind drenched us on our bikes as we pedaled back to get warm
  • Or playing catch with Nathan a few minutes later in the cold windy rain with him yelling “This is awesome”
  • Maybe it was the freedom of jumping on the Lime scooter and silently cruising 15 mph around the boardwalk and along the beach, looking for every excuse I could to do it again
    • Thank God for these electric scooters making it a lot faster to get to the bathroom after drinking too much coffee and water!
  • Or laying on the beach, digging a deep hole in the sand getting sunburned because we were too foolish to wear sunscreen…just look at the pictures and our red noses!
  • Maybe it was the ribeye steaks that tasted like charcoal because of the flames on the barbecue going out of control
  • Or maybe it was the lobster tacos at “World Famous” (wow…they were good
  • Or the smoothies and vanilla blended coffee at the eclectic Better Buzz Coffee house filled with Millenials
  • Perhaps it was kayaking on the bay with Noelle
  • Or sloshing through the mud and grass with them both
  • Maybe it was snuggling with my wife watching “The Profit”
  • Or enjoying a margarita and a beer with my beautiful wife, dreaming together at the Guava Beach Cafe’ right across the street from our AirBnB
  • Or cruising with her down the boardwalk on those awesome Lime scooters (until she almost wiped out because the brake didn’t work for her)
  • Perhaps it was convincing Noelle (ask she kicked and screamed) to put on the wetsuit to stay warm as we boogy boarded in the cold ocean…only to have her say “Thank you, Daddy for talking me into this. I’m having so much fun I don’t want to stop”
  • Maybe it was running in the morning with Nathan riding his rented bike on the boardwalk
  • Or sitting in the sun outside our AirBnB playing volleyball, football and trying to fly a kite
  • Perhaps it was the delicious Avocado toast and coffee with my wife for a few minutes of alone time, making a decision to be more intentional about our relationship on a daily basis
  • Or the very long walk that Noelle and I took from the car rental place to downtown because we didn’t want to sit in the airport for 4 hours

Or perhaps it was none of this and all of this. Perhaps what made this trip so special was just spending time and being fully engaged in the moment with my family, the family I didn’t have as a child but always dreamed of. The family that God gave me and I cherish above all else.

Jesus, I thank you for the pain that you put in my life so many years ago. The pain that ultimately changed me into the man I am today, a man who has devoted his life to being the best man I can possibly be so that my own children will never experience the pain that I did as a child and later as an adult. A man committed to breaking the generational curses that have plagued my own family of origin.

Family, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

Thank You Microsoft….and Hello!

Thank You Microsoft and Hello!

After 5 incredible months off I’m back at Microsoft in a job that was created for me.  I am overwhelmed with how incredible the time off was and how blessed I am to be back at Microsoft. If you don’t have time to read the blog here are the highlights of my time off:

  • I enjoyed my family
  • I was head coach of my son’s junior football team (6-7 year-olds)
  • I joined a startup and quickly realized it wasn’t going to work
  • I wrote my first book-Pain Drives Change-in 45 days!
  • I learned a TON
  • I vacationed in Eastern Washington, the Oregon Coast and San Juan Islands
  • I got extreme clarity on my vision for the second half of my life
  • I once again realized how incredible Microsoft is as a company and was blessed to be re-hired after my first interview loop!

This blog is the “story behind the story”. Continue reading Thank You Microsoft….and Hello! →

Family, Lessons learned, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

I Wrote My Book In 45 Days!

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Wow!  I just penned my last words to my first book, Pain Drives Change.  I started 45 days ago and didn’t have a clue about how long it would take or when I would finish, but I knew I needed to write it.

47,824 words and an estimated 191 pages later I’m done!  I’ve learned a lot in the process of writing my book: Continue reading I Wrote My Book In 45 Days! →

Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

Pain Drives Change-I’m almost finished writing my first book!

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On January 13, 1999 I placed my video camera on a tripod and began video journaling the season of my life that transformed me into the man I am today.  I had just separated from my wife and moved into a small house in the slums of South Seattle.Video Journal Snippet  I had no idea how much emotional pain I’d be facing in the years to come and I had no idea that I’d need this pain to turn me into the man God created me to be.  For some reason I knew that I wanted to immortalize this season of my life through my video journal and so I began. Continue reading Pain Drives Change-I’m almost finished writing my first book! →

Family, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

The Pain of Divorce

I just finished writing Chapter 7, “The Pain of Divorce” and I came across some interesting statistics on the divorce rate in America.

It is difficult to say which statistics are fully accurate, but my research indicates that greater than 40% of marriages end in divorce.

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America: Continue reading The Pain of Divorce →