All posts by Damon Stoddard

Psychological Safety

Psychological Safety: The Key to Unlocking the Benefits of DEI

I had the honor of sharing my learnings about psychological safety and thriving yesterday at the Northwest Diversity Learning Series. This blog goes a little deeper on why it’s impossible to unlock the benefits of DEI without psychological safety.

The benefits of DEI cannot be realized without a commitment to ensure psychological safety.

I’ll never forget that day. I was asked to coach the leaders of a fairly large team. I introduced the idea of psychological safety. I’d talked with a number of team members and it was clear to me that the team had an opportunity to improve psychological safety.  I convinced everyone to try a psychological safety retrospective. The anonymous results were deeply troubling..this team was definitely not psychologically safe.

One member had courageously posted an anonymous item. They indicated that what hindered safety was a fear of being alone in the office, a fear that their physical safety was at risk because they’d previously received verbal threats because of the color of their skin. The research is clear. When a teammate doesn’t feel safe it literally reduces IQ…sometimes by as much as 50%! Because of this person’s courage the leaders were able to see a previously invisible problem, enabling them to act.

The leaders took swift action with HR, and committed to regularly conduct psychological safety retrospectives with a core commitment to achieve 100% psychological safety. If it weren’t for the willingness of these leaders to ask about psychological safety, this employee’s voice would have never been heard, their physical and psychological safety wouldn’t have improved, and their ability to fully contribute and bring their perspective would have been lost.

The benefits of DEI cannot be realized without a commitment to ensure psychological safety.

Psychological safety is a critical component in the workplace that allows individuals to express themselves without fear of negative consequences to their self-image, status, or career. This concept is especially important when considering Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives, as it can significantly enhance the effectiveness of these programs.

Diversity is the presence of differences within a given setting. In the workplace, this means having a team composed of people with varying characteristics, including but not limited to race, gender, sexual orientation, and cultural background. Equity involves ensuring fair treatment, equality of opportunity, and fairness in access to information and resources for all. Lastly, Inclusion is the practice of creating environments in which any individual or group can be and feel welcomed, respected, supported, and valued.

An environment of psychological safety fosters a culture where employees feel comfortable being themselves, which is essential for DEI to thrive. When employees don’t fear being judged or penalized for their ideas or questions, they are more likely to participate in discussions and contribute unique perspectives that can drive innovation and growth.

Research has shown that psychological safety allows for more creativity and innovation since each employee feels safe to voice new ideas. It also increases employees’ commitment to their organization, therefore increasing the retention of employees.  Communication, engagement, and the sharing of knowledge improve too when psychological safety is present in the workplace. Employees tend to become more open to learning, including learning from failure since their failures are not held against them.

Creating psychological safety in a DEI context means valuing diversity and actively working to include all voices in decision-making processes. It requires leaders to acknowledge their own biases and work to create an environment where those biases do not inhibit the contributions of others. Leaders must also be willing to listen and respond to the concerns of their employees, creating a dialogue that promotes mutual respect and understanding.

Implementing psychological safety within DEI initiatives can lead to a more positive, open-minded, and better-performing workplace. It can help in breaking down barriers that prevent marginalized groups from fully participating in the workplace. Moreover, it can lead to higher levels of employee engagement, satisfaction, and retention.

To foster psychological safety, organizations can start by training leaders and managers on its importance and how to cultivate it. They can also encourage employees to speak up without fear of retribution, and ensure that there are channels available for them to do so anonymously if they prefer.

In conclusion, psychological safety is not just a nice-to-have in the context of DEI; it is a must-have. It is the foundation upon which the full potential of DEI initiatives can be unlocked. By creating an environment where employees feel safe to express their true selves and are encouraged to contribute their unique ideas and perspectives, organizations can reap the benefits of a truly diverse, equitable, and inclusive workplace.

References: Amy C. Edmondson Ph.D. “The Role of Psychological Safety in Diversity and Inclusion,” Psychology Today. “Psychological Safety and DEI – Toward a Respectful Workplace,” Michigan State University. “What Happened to You” book by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Berry.

Apathy or Action, Cancer, Psychological Safety

Psychological Safety and What I Learned In XBox Might Have Saved My Life from Cancer

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Here’s the truth. If it weren’t for a peer who I felt psychologically safe with as well as the skills I learned as quality manager on Xbox 360….

I might be dead today.

At the very least, my quality of life would be dramatically worse than it is. Read on if you’re interested in the whole story…..

Five years ago, I felt a lump on my neck that turned out to be cancer. I just got the call from my doctor, I’m cancer free, and long term prognosis is very good. I’m virtually free of side effects, an outcome that she tells me is unheard of for this type of cancer. Today, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude as I reflect on how I got here.

Paralyzed with fear, I found myself unable to focus on work, but I also felt guilty about taking any more “sick time” from work. I had a co-worker, Erinn, who I fully trusted. I felt psychologically safe with her, so I walked to her office. The ensuing conversation may have saved my life……

“Do you have a second to talk? I’m struggling, I don’t feel like working and I don’t feel like I’m sick, so I don’t know what to do.” I said as I entered her office.

“Damon, you have cancer, you’re sick! Don’t feel guilty, take the time you need. Use your strengths, research it and figure out how to beat it!”

I quickly felt the stress leave my body, and my fear was quickly replaced with a desire to solve the biggest problem I’d faced in my life. I jumped in my car and drove to the Commons at Microsoft, a comfortable place to research. I grabbed a piece of carrot cake, knowing this might be one of the last times I would enjoy my favorite sweet, and I began researching.

I’ll never forget it. I found a presentation with a “Kaplan Meier” plot for patients experiencing the same type of cancer I had. There were 2 lines on the plot, one line for “known primary source” and another line for “unknown primary source.” I’m betting 99 out of 100 people wouldn’t know how to interpret this statistical plot. But I knew because I’d learned about this plot as the quality manager for Xbox 360.

My heart quickly began racing.

The plot indicated that I had a 50% chance of being dead in 2 years!

However, if they could find the cancer, I’d have a greater than 90% chance of being alive in 5 years!

Pick up a coin and flip it. The odds of it being “heads” were the same odds of me being alive today. This plot shows the 2 lines (I overlaid the explanations to simplify interpretation).

I vowed to never share this data with my wife or family, knowing the fear it would induce.

As dug further, I discovered TORS (Trans Oral Robotic Surgery). This relatively unheard of technique was very successful at finding Cancer of Unknown Primary source.

The raw data was at the end of the article. I went back to work and imported the raw data into Power BI and within an hour built a report that convicted me that my situation wasn’t as dire as I thought. The report revealed that 72.3% of the time TORS discovered the source of cancer! Furthermore, it indicated that 50% of the time the source was at the base of the tongue, an area that only TORS could locate and remove. The report showed that 89% of the population in the study were males, and the median age was 56. I was 52 and literally the identical characteristics of the candidates in the study! Finally, the median tumor size was .9 cm (a little more than ¼”)! No wonder the blind biopsy done during my original surgery didn’t locate anything!

My skills in building Power BI reports and analyzing data brought me incredible hope.

I wasn’t going to die in 2 years. I was going to research TORS, have the surgery, find the cancer and remove it!

A closer look at the data revealed that the University of Washington had more than twice the patients in the study! UW was literally 20 minutes from my house!!

My visit to the radiation oncologist didn’t go as well as expected. She wasn’t as versed in the studies and data that I’d discovered, and recommended we proceed with the previously prescribed radiation treatment.

I was livid. I told her I’d seen the data. My chances of survival were 50% in 2 years, and I wasn’t ok with that. She indicated that the odds were significantly better for me than that. When I asked her for the source of her data she couldn’t recall.

“With all due respect, I need to pursue this path. Can you please refer me to the University of Washington Head and Neck Cancer Center” I requested.

2 minutes later she returned with a referral, but warned me that they were busy and it might be weeks before I heard back. Those weeks might result in the cancer growing and she wanted to make sure I was sure.

“I’m 100% sure I want to go see them” I said.

I went home and anxiously awaited the call. It didn’t come. So, I did what I’d learned to do so many times in my career. I located the phone number for the UW and I called! My first call was a dead end. They had no records of my referral.

I took a different tactic on my second call. “Can you please put me through to Dr. H’s office?” I’d researched TORS at the UW and discovered that Dr. H was the resident expert.

“Here’s the number Mr. Stoddard” they said.

“Thank you, you might have saved my life” I responded.

The next morning, I heard back from Dr. H’s assistant. There were no appointments for weeks. I didn’t give up. I shared the research I’d done, and I shared how I’d identified Dr. H.

“Just a moment, Mr. Stoddard” his assistant said.

A few minutes later she said “Dr. H. has tumor board this afternoon. He’d like to see your case.”

“WAHOO!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!” I said.

“We’ll call you after tumor board. Let’s schedule an appointment a few weeks out” she said.

I was a bit disheartened that I’d have to wait to talk to Dr. H., but I was elated at the opportunity.

The next morning my phone rang. “Mr. Stoddard, we’ve had a cancellation. How quickly can you be here?”

“I’ll be there in 30 minutes” I excitedly said, my heart racing out of my chest.

An hour later I was talking to one of the pioneers of Trans Oral Robotic Surgery, Dr. H. He shared that I had a 50/50 chance of finding the tumor in my tongue and that there would be almost no long term side effects. But if they found it, my long term prognosis would be very very good, and I wouldn’t experience many of the major side effects.

“Let’s do it” I said.

2 weeks later as I entered the operating room I confidently boasted

You are going to find the cancer in my tongue and you are going to remove it!

I was right. They found the cancer, just a few millimeters from the needle biopsy, and they removed the margins! I was cancer free!!!

I shared the news later that day in a Facebook Live video.

But my story wasn’t over…

I re-learned another valuable lesson, the same lesson I’d learned years earlier as the quality manager for Xbox. We’d spent months pulling the data together trying to understand what was driving the 3 red light failures, but weren’t any closer. I had a few friends at SAS, including the founder and president of JMP, the statistical software that I used for most of my career to understand and solve significant problems. I was giving a keynote address at one of their conferences and decided to take an extra day to fly up to their headquarters to get their help on how to statistically analyze the data from the Xbox red light failures.

“That’s easy. Dr. Meeker, the world’s best in reliability, talks about this in his book. He recommends using Kaplan-Meier. We have this built into the JMP software, let me show you how to use it.” Brad said in his office.

A few short hours later I was on a plane, analyzing the failure data using this technique. Over the coming weeks we uncovered incredible insights and quickly improved the quality problems.

All because I asked for help from one of the best in the world….

I originally wanted to do my radiation treatment close to home to avoid the extra 20-minute commute. After talking with the radiation oncologist, however, I quickly changed my mind. She wasn’t going to change her protocol for treatment even though they’d identified and removed the cancer. I would lose my taste buds, my saliva, and would only recover about 70%. I’d no longer taste sweets, I’d struggle with dry mouth, and I’d have to take extra care of my teeth to avoid any potential of potentially life threatening cavities.

I was livid. It made no sense. The cancer that was once unknown but now removed didn’t change my treatment at all?

I respectfully declined her treatment plan and returned to the UW to be treated by one of the nation’s best, Dr. P.

My radiation treatment would be significantly less severe than if they hadn’t discovered and removed the cancer. The treatment would be very painful, but the UW dropout rate was <5% versus nearly 30% for non-University programs. I would lose my sense of taste for a short period of time, but a few months later I’d be at 90%, with only a slight degradation in my ability to taste sweets. My chances of survival were significantly better than 90% because they’d found and removed the cancer.

When I asked what his recommendation might have been if they hadn’t found the cancer, he said they would have had to dramatically increase the radiation dose and my quality of life would have been dramatically worse.

My wife and I were elated. We made a fact-based decision and chose the expert for my radiation treatment.

I was warned, the next 6 weeks would be very difficult.

I went to the UW every weekday for the next 6 weeks. My head was strapped to the table, and my head and neck were radiated to kill any residual cancer cells.

The promise of great pain never came to pass. I continued riding my bike almost every day, believing that the extreme exercise brought life giving blood to the areas the radiation was killing.

I decided to celebrate my last day of radiation treatment by riding my bike 15 miles from my house in Woodinville to the UW. I arrived at the UW on my bike, tears flowing down my face. Not only had I beaten cancer, but I was healthy and strong. Dr. H. saw me and said he’d never seen a patient fare as well as I had through radiation treatment.

That was almost 5 years ago. I’m still cancer free, and my quality of life is almost the same as before cancer. I’m filled with gratitude and left to wonder:

Where would I be if:

  • I didn’t have a co-worker I felt psychologically safe with when I was trapped in fear?

  • I hadn’t decided to own my own treatment?

  • I hadn’t learned the power of data driven decisions years ago as quality manager of Xbox 360, after a co-worker saw my passion for data and problem solving?

  • I hadn’t taken a growth mindset when I feared the worst from cancer and began researching options?

  • I hadn’t intentionally built my professional network to include world experts in statistics?

  • I didn’t know how to interpret p values on Kaplan Meier plots, learned while being a member of a team of brilliant co-workers at Microsoft?

  • I hadn’t taken the time to learn Power BI, then applied those skills for an extra hour to build that Power BI report that revealed my path to recovery?

  • I hadn’t continued to reference the data, giving me the credibility and confidence to challenge the doctors and ultimately leading me to the best possible treatment at UW?

  • I didn’t have a manager that cared about me as a person and didn’t let me return to work full-time, even though I felt fine physically?

I might be dead

Sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of email, chats, meetings, and our computer screen that we forget how important it is to stop, reflect, and be grateful for everything we have.

I’m not dead. I’m alive because of psychological safety and the skills I learned on Xbox 360

I want to challenge you to take some time in the next few days and reflect on what you are grateful for. I promise you it will have a profoundly positive impact on your own well-being in a time that it is desperately needed.

It all started with psychological safety. I had a co-worker I felt safe talking to when I was trapped in fear. How about you? Do you have any co-workers you feel psychologically safe with? Would you be psychologically safe if someone came to you with a similar issue?

Family, Personal Growth, Psychological Safety

Sleep Debt Decreases Psychological Safety

“We found a very strong statistical relationship between the sleep debt of a leader and the psychological safety of their teams.” – Kristen Holmes, VP Performance at Whoop

Last week was pretty tough, but I’ve just discovered a scientific explanation of why, and this learning is worth the struggles! Read on if you’re interested…

I started this year super excited, determined to be intentionally intentional in living my purpose, “…adding value to people’s lives by vulnerably sharing my life experiences and learnings”. I was invited to speak at a conference in March about How Psychological Safety Enables Everyone to Thrive. As I prepared the talk, I found a level of passion and excitement, believing that the opportunities I’ve had to learn, practice, and teach psychological safety would be enormously impactful to everyone who attends. The opportunity to share how I’d personally grown by becoming psychologically safe to my children, wife, and friends was truly inspiring.

Unfortunately, this excitement quickly eroded into a feeling of deep hypocrisy. My wife and I rarely argue, but on Monday we had one of those rare arguments, culminating in raised voices and anger towards one another. My motivation to write and teach about psychological safety came to an abrupt halt. In that single argument, I was not psychologically safe. I didn’t listen, I didn’t empathize, and I invoked fear into my wife that her voice wouldn’t be heard. All of my learnings about psychological safety felt meaningless, and I began hearing that voice in my head saying “You’re a hypocrite. You have no right teaching about psychological safety when you continue to fail at being psychologically safe.”

Unfortunately, Monday’s argument was only the beginning. We had another argument on Thursday, and this argument ended even worse than the first, we both agreed we needed a few hours to cool off. After the call, the voice in my head got louder, “You’re a hypocrite.”

The day progressed, and I found myself in another situation. I became angry and frustrated with one of my children, and I immediately knew that my behavior had damaged my explicit goal of modelling perfect love toward my children. The Bible’s definition of psychological safety is in 1 John 4:18:

Perfect Love Casts out Fear Because Fear Expects Punishment

The voice became louder. “You’re a hypocrite, you don’t have a right or the credibility to teach others about psychological safety when you failed three different times this week!”

Fortunately, the voice didn’t last. I practiced what I’ve practiced a thousand times before, what Dr. Talley calls Integrity “Minimizing the time span between mess up and fess up”. I asked for forgiveness, and my wife and children quickly forgave me, but unfortunately it will take them a while to feel psychologically safe with me again, and it’s on me to learn and grow from my mistakes.

Integrity is minimizing the timespan between mess-up and fess-up

A wise counselor of mine, Pam, specializes in addiction recovery. I’ll never forget the time when a client of mine who struggled with addiction was beating himself up with shame. This client had stumbled and didn’t know what to do. Pam asked the question, “Do you know the purpose of a relapse?”. The client didn’t have an answer. “The purpose of a relapse is to learn. Never waste a relapse.” She asked the client what he learned, and he shared the events leading up to the relapse, and committed to make changes based on these learnings.

The purpose of a relapse is to learn. Never waste a relapse

In a sense, the arguments from last week with my wife and one of my children were relapses. I’ve spent the last few days trying to learn from these stumbles, and last night all the pieces came together.

On my drive home from skiing I listened to a podcast with Kristen Holmes, VP of Performance at Whoop. She mentioned a study her team had recently conducted on the impacts of sleep debt on executive function and psychological safety. The takeaway from the study?

Kristen and her team partnered with McKinsey and conducted a study of 70 CEOs and their direct reports. They measured daily sleep debt in the CEOs. In conjunction, they asked each of the CEO direct reports to fill out a daily survey of the level of psychological safety they felt that day when interaction with the CEO’s. The results were fascinating.

  • 45 minutes of sleep debt resulted in a 5-10% reduction in mental control (known as executive function, neurologically based skills involving cognitive control and emotional regulation).
  • 45 minutes of sleep debt resulted in a significant reduction in psychological safety as measured by their direct reports
  • The relationship between sleep debt and psychological safety is linear, meaning the more sleep debt the lower the psychological safety, culminating in as much as a 30% reduction in psychological safety!
  • The leaders themselves were unable to cognitively realize that they had sleep debt, yet those closest to the CEOs experienced the impact of their sleep debt by the way the CEO’s interacted, how they physically looked, and how effective they were at creating an environment of psychological safety, an environment where everyone on the team felt safe for interpersonal risk taking, Amy Edmonson’s definition of psychological safety.

Unfortunately, according to a study by McKinsey, nearly 66% of business leaders are dissatisfied with the amount of sleep they get. Furthermore, according to a 2022 study by US News and World Report, only 13% of people report regularly waking up feeling rested. Given that psychological safety is the #1 predictor of team success, and around 10% of teams have all members feeling psychologically safe, ensuring adequate sleep may be one of the most significant things we can do to improve!

After listening to this podcast, I reflected on my previous week where I’d struggled to be psychologically safe with my wife and children. As I reflected, I remembered that my sleep was terrible last week! Every day of the week I woke around 3 in the morning and was awake for 2-3 hours! Everyday last week I felt tired, lethargic, and edgy. My sleep debt (the gap between needed sleep and actual sleep) was off the charts last week, and as a result I wasn’t psychologically safe!

BOOM. The purpose of a relapse is education. These learnings make perfect sense and now I get to practice what I learned and vulnerably share my failures with others so they can learn! I’m recommitting myself to pay more attention to my sleep, and to experiment with different mechanisms to improve the quality and consistency of my sleep!

Questions to Consider?

  1. Do you have a desire to improve the performance of your team?
  2. How psychologically safe do members of your team feel?
  3. Are you proactively improving psychological safety on your team?
  4. Are you getting sufficient sleep to ensure that you are psychologically safe and your brain is functioning optimally?

If you’d like to learn more about how psychological safety can enable you and your team to thrive, I’m writing a book to help you. Click below to get a free copy!

If you’re ready to proactively improve psychological safety on your team, I’d love to help. You can schedule time to talk by clicking the link below.

Schedule time to talk about how i can help with psychological safety
Lessons learned, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth, Psychological Safety

Leaving the Liminal-My Journey to Rediscover my Purpose

I’ll never forget the day. It was May 8, 2023. I logged onto my computer, excited for the upcoming week of learning at Microsoft. I had no idea what the meeting titled “Urgent Business Meeting” meant, but I joined, excited to hear about any new changes. I joined the meeting, shocked to hear that my role and numerous others had been eliminated. My last day at Microsoft would be July 7, 2023. Ironically, 8 years prior, on July 8, 2015, I was also notified that my job had been eliminated from Microsoft.

  • In 2015 I was full of gratitude and wrote a blog “Thank you Microsoft and Goodbye“. The blog went viral, I spent the next 5 months writing my first book, Pain Drives Change, in 45 days and enjoying my family. I loved Microsoft and reached out to a friend. This friend mentioned her GM had seen my blog and “wanted people like me” on the team. A few weeks later, I interviewed, and a job was created for me. I was ecstatic!
  • My next 8 years at Microsoft were unquestionably the most meaningful years of my career. When I was notified in 2023 that my job was eliminated, I was once again filled with gratitude, and wrote another blog with the same title, “Thank you Microsoft and Goodbye“.

I’ll be forever grateful for the 20 years I served at Microsoft. I tell people that Microsoft is the best company on the planet, and I still believe this with all my heart, despite the temporary pain of being suddenly let go. Pain drives change, and I vowed to let the pain of this layoff change me and set the direction for the rest of my life. I’ve watched God’s hand work in my life and so many other people’s lives in the midst of pain, and I’ve learned to find joy in the pain as the Bible speaks to:

James 1:2-4 “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

My wife and I went to lunch after I was notified of my layoff in 2023. Once again, she was in disbelief. I told her we’d be fine, but that I was going to reach out to the inner circle of men in my life, a group of men that I’d trust with my life, the group of men that I’d selected years earlier to be a part of a men’s group where we could encourage and inspire one another to live a life of significance.

I called Dave, one of my most trusted friends. He’d retired only a few months earlier, and I’d walked with him as he prepared for retirement the year before and was navigating the early months of retirement. His words were profound. “Damon, welcome to the liminal season of your life. I’ve been walking it for a year, and it’s been one of the most painful and rewarding years of my life. You’ll be tempted to jump into something new to avoid the pain, but don’t. Give yourself at least 6 months and wait on the Lord. When the time is right, He’ll reveal to you what you are to do for the rest of your life. But prepare yourself, it’s going to be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done. I’m walking the same path but I’m a few months ahead of you. Feel free to reach out at any time for emotional support. I don’t think your layoff was a setback, I think it was a set-up by God so you can bring the wisdom from your life experiences to the world.”

WOW. Dave, your words couldn’t have been more true. I’ve taken your advice, and I took the last 7 months off. For the first time in my life, I chose to intentionally be unintentional, a foreign concept to me.

I’ve been intensely intentional for my whole life. In a conversation with another one of the men in my group, Chuck, he said “Damon, you’ve been maniacally intentional and focused ever since I met you“. I’m going to share some examples of this maniacal intentionality, not to boast about my accomplishments, but to shed light on how difficult it would be for me to be intentionally unintentional.

  • In high school I realized that if I wanted to go to college, I’d have to figure out how to pay for it. So, I intentionally pursued every extracurricular activity I could find because I knew these activities were critical to winning scholarships to college. As a result, I won 7 scholarships which paid for my first 2 years of college.
  • After 2 years in college, I realized an internship was my only path to paying for the remainder of my education, so I moved to Seattle to attend UW. A few months later, I found that internship at Sundstrand Data Control. I loved working there so much that I worked 30 hours per week AND obtained my Mechanical Engineering Degree.
  • I continued working at Sundstrand and intentionally pursued promotion. I became the youngest engineering manager in the company.
  • When I learned about Six Sigma, I intentionally focused and became the fastest person to certify as a Master Black Belt in 13 months.
  • When my second daughter, Noelle, was born I took 6 weeks off from Microsoft and built an addition on my house with my brother.
  • When I was 39, I was asked to lead the small groups ministry at my church. I worked full-time, had a young family, and successfully built the small group system from 3 groups to 33 groups in 18 months.
  • When I turned 40, I decided it was time to permanently lose the extra weight, so I intentionally began running and biking 5-6 times per week.
  • A few years later, I decided I wanted to do a triathlon, but I didn’t know how to swim. I intentionally focused on swimming, and a year later I swam across Lake Roosevelt and back (2.4 miles!)
  • When I was laid off from Microsoft in 2015, I wrote my first book in 45 days.
  • When I turned 50, I intentionally built Change YOUniversity while working full-time, raising a family, and acting as the VP of Culture for one of the premiere junior football programs in America.
  • When I got cancer in 2019, I intentionally kept exercising and wrote my second book as I went through cancer, riding my bike 15 miles to the UW on my final day of radiation treatment!

As you can imagine, the idea of living without intentionality, even for a season, was terrifying. After all, up until this point in my life, I’d allowed myself to be defined by my accomplishments, and I’d unknowingly allowed the pursuit of my accomplishments to become a sometimes-addictive agent, numbing the devastating pain that my body still held from a childhood of extreme trauma (I’ll write about this in depth in the future).

The liminal space is defined as “the space between what is and what will happen next”….and according to experts, “it has a major effect on our mental health” and “when you are in a place of unknowing, that can be massively scary, uncomfortable, and create anxiety.” I’ve simplified this statement as follows:

Uncertainty produces anxiety, but predictability brings peace.

I’m going to be brutally honest and vulnerable here. The last 7 months of being intentionally unintentional and remaining in the liminal space have easily been some of the most difficult but rewarding times of my life. The uncertainty about my future has produced enormous, almost unbearable anxiety. My fear of my unknown future has been debilitating at times. But I’ve chosen to listen to the counsel of the people in my life that I trust and remain in the liminal space until God showed me the path out. In these dark times I’ve found enormous hope in the stories of countless people that God has put in the liminal space (many times referred to as the wilderness) before using them for His glory.

I’ll write more about how God softened my heart and strengthened the most important relationships in my life during this season, but for now, suffice it to say that it’s once again abundantly obvious that only God could orchestrate this season so that He could do the work in me that only He knew I needed.

Ironically, the work that I’m most proud of at Microsoft happened over the last 3 years, ultimately culminating in a proven process enabling individuals and teams to thrive that is being used by hundreds of thousands of teams across the world.

And it’s the findings from this work on thriving that made my liminal season even more painful. The research is abundantly clear, thriving at work is best measured by the energy you feel from the work by asking the simple question “I was excited to work every day last week.” And the core drivers of being excited (energized) by your work occur when 2 things are present:

  1. The work is aligned to your purpose (e.g. calling, reason to live, why you wake up in the morning). The Japanese call this Ikigai.
  2. You are using your God given strengths at least 20% of your time at work every day.

The most poignant research I discovered from the Blue Zones project:

Knowing your purpose can add 7 years to your life.

Belonging to a shared purpose can add 14 years to your life.

This statistic haunted (and inspired) me nearly every day of the past 7 months. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.

  • What is my purpose?
  • How can I use my strengths to fulfill this purpose?
  • How can I find belonging in this purpose?
  • And the most difficult question of all. “If I don’t find and pursue this purpose, will I ever be able to enjoy life with the anxiety I’m constantly feeling?”

I called Dave countless times, full of tears. He kept assuring me that God would reveal His purpose in His time, and not to rush through this season, but allow the season to shape my character. So, I kept waiting.

A few months ago, I started getting some signals of my purpose:

  • A former co-worker, Ellen, found me on LinkedIn and asked me if I’d be a guest on her show. She shared that my cancer story had inspired her.
  • A few weeks later, I was invited to speak at the Institute for Sustainable Diversity and Inclusion on psychological safety. Effenus, the co-director, found me through a random search on LinkedIn. We had an initial call, and I watched the excitement grow as my passion for psychological safety exuded. I’ll be giving my talk on psychological safety in March!
  • A close friend reached out and asked if I wanted to co-host a podcast with him; a podcast whose purpose was not to sell, but to serve by sharing our experiences in life!

For the first time in months, I found myself excited and energized about the opportunities! I began thinking about how I could add the most value during these talks, and found myself dreaming about the opportunities again!

Ellin and I recorded our conversation yesterday on psychological safety. I shared my journey through cancer, and how Erinn, a co-worker who I fully trusted, listened as I shared my fears about cancer and work, and how her words inspired me to do the research that may have ultimately saved my life. I watched as Ellin listened in awe and was inspired by my story, and I experienced a level of energy and purpose unlike I’d felt in years.

Later that day, I told my wife that I’d felt dead emotionally for months, but today I felt alive.

God is finally bringing me out of the liminal space and into the promised land, and my purpose is becoming more and more clear.

Adding value to people’s lives

It’s the same purpose I’ve had since 2001, but this time it’s becoming even more clear to me…

I add value to people’s lives, inspiring them by vulnerably sharing the transformative impact of my life experiences.

My first book, Pain Drives Change, has inspired countless people to change because I vulnerably shared how God used the pain of a very dark season to transform me.

My second book, Apathy or Action, has inspired people by offering them hope and inspiration to take action because I vulnerably share my cancer story.

My third book on psychological safety will inspire people to change because I will vulnerably share my own story of how psychological safety has impacted my life and the lives of countless others.

My fourth book, From Protection to Connection, will inspire people to break the generational impact from trauma in their lives because I will vulnerably share my 25-year journey of overcoming childhood trauma and striving to break the generational curses in my family and the families of hundreds of men I coached in my organization, Change YOUniversity.

I’ve learned a lot as I’ve journeyed through the liminal space the last 7 months. The fear and anxiety I regularly felt because I’d forgotten my purpose and chose to be intentionally unintentional was debilitating at times. However, I won’t waste this pain, because I know there are countless people who have either forgotten their purpose or never discovered their purpose, and if my pain can add value to even one of these people’s lives it was worth it.

I’d love your feedback-did this blog add value to your life? How else can I add value to you?

Apathy or Action, Bipolar, Cancer, Family, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

Thank you, Microsoft, and Goodbye…

5 Comments

This is going to be tough. I’ve been putting it off as long as I could, but this morning the tears started flowing and I knew it was time to write my goodbye letter.

I’m sitting in the Commons at Microsoft, the same place I discovered a procedure that likely saved my life from cancer 4 years ago. If it weren’t for the relationships, resources, and benefits from Microsoft I might be dead, and I’d certainly not have the life I never dreamed possible.

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for my 20 years, and I want to express that gratitude in no uncertain terms. Overcoming bipolar, a child with addiction, my wife’s cancer twice, my first layoff in 2015 and the resultant book and coaching organization that’s positively impacted hundreds of lives, overcoming cancer myself and writing my second book, and finally the discovery of psychological safety that has impacted hundreds of teams at Microsoft and countless lives across the world….these are the most significant events that I can thank Microsoft for. Thank you, Microsoft!

When people hear that I was impacted by the layoffs, they always say “I’m sorry”. I thank them for their sentiment, but quickly let them know there’s no reason to be sorry. I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams through the experience, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude is my deepest emotion since hearing the news, and with every passing day I feel more grateful. I still believe Microsoft is the best company on the planet to work for, and I’m eternally grateful for the last 20 years.

I’d like to share a bit of my journey with Microsoft here, hopefully it will inspire you to take a moment and reflect on the blessings in your own life, particularly in the darkest moments. I’ve spoken with many of you, and you’ve shared how devastating it is to hear of me and your peers losing jobs. I want to encourage you to shift your focus to thankfulness for what you still have at and because of Microsoft.

I started Microsoft in 2003 before I married Debbie. Neither of us could imagine the blessings we would experience because of Microsoft. Microsoft and each of my managers have walked beside us and supported us in the most difficult seasons of our lives. The experiences and learning have shaped me and everyone I interact with. The opportunities and learnings will open doors for me to fulfill my true calling in life for the rest of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • I survived the dark winter of 2007 when I was so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed to go to work because of my bipolar illness. In the ensuing years, Microsoft’s health benefits inspired me to begin exercising regularly, a habit I’ve continued for 15 years that has fully stabilized my bipolar and provided the energy to carry me through the ups and downs of life.
  • I survived the darkest days of my life when my daughter struggled with addiction. The overwhelming support from my manager, Jesse, and the benefits enabled her to fully overcome her addiction.
    • Years later, I received the same level of support to help her diagnose and stabilize from her own diagnosis with bipolar. Her life is completely different today and she’s studying to be a therapist because Microsoft gave me the time to support her in her darkest season and provided the benefits to get her the help she needed.
  • We survived my wife’s first bout with cancer in 2013. The world class benefits paid for the treatment she needed. Thanks to my manager, Carol, for providing the support and flexibility we needed so I could care for her and our children when needed.
  • We survived a layoff in 2015. The generous severance I took 5 months off to write my first book, Pain Drives Change, in 45 days. These 5 months allowed me to spend time with my mom before she died just 2 weeks after I returned to Microsoft in December 2015. Thank you, Nathalie, and Sean, for creating the role that I’ve been blessed with over the last 7 years.
  • We survived my wife’s 2nd bout with cancer in 2018. This time Microsoft’s new family leave benefit allowed me 6 full weeks off to fully care for her and the children. Thank you, Sean, for your support during this season.
  • We survived my bout with cancer in 2019.  I had no idea that the data analysis skills I learned in 2008 as the Xbox 360 Quality Manger would help me analyze the research and discover the cure to my cancer. I might be dead today if I didn’t have my team member and future manager, Erinn, who I felt safe enough with to share my cancer fears with, and her ensuing advice to take time for myself to research this cancer.

I wrote my second book, Apathy or Action, as I went through cancer. I had no idea that this book would inspire so many, including more than 15 people who are writing and publishing their own books that are inspiring others. All because of the opportunity Microsoft availed me to offer coaching through MS Auction!

When I returned to work in 2020 after surviving cancer, I worked with my manager, Sean, to pivot my work and align it with the strengths he saw in me. Thank you, Sean, for the opportunity to study productivity and begin coaching teams and individuals through my learnings. This pivot has resulted in the most fulfilling 3 years of my entire career, a season of significance where I added value to countless lives.

Thank you, Erinn for casting the vision that’s being realized, that I would be known as the psychological safety expert within Microsoft, and that I would speak and inspire people around the world.

My discovery and understanding of psychological safety has literally changed my life and the lives of countless people. It’s changed my marriage and my relationships with my kids. It’s changed the lives of hundreds of teams in Microsoft and hundreds of thousands of teams in the 62,000 organizations that are using the tooling I built with Engin. It’s changed hundreds of men that I’ve coached to break generational curses in my coaching organization, Change YOUniversity, creating a safe space to be vulnerable and heal from childhood trauma.

As I began speaking across Microsoft and hearing how my story, psychological safety, and the process I developed to improve it inspired others, I knew I’d been blessed with experiences, information, and tooling that could literally improve every person on the planet. My work quickly transformed from work to a calling.

A friend said it best. This layoff isn’t a setback, it’s a set-up. I’m more excited about my future than ever, a future where I’ll fulfill my true calling, and an opportunity to reach countless more people than if I’d remained employed by Microsoft.

Thank you, Microsoft. Thank you, Russ, Maren, Mark, Paul, Jesse, Carol, Paul, Sean, Erinn, Dawn, and Myron, for being managers I could fully trust and for enabling me to apply my strengths to help countless people. Thank you, Kristen, for the world-class benefits and your ongoing encouragement to me. Thank you, Nathalie, for allowing me to be a part of your team for 7 incredible years. Most of all, thank you to all my co-workers for your friendship and ongoing encouragement to use the gifts God’s given me to inspire others. I’ll miss the comradery and relationships the most.

Please connect with me on LinkedIn, and if I’ve added any value to your life through the years, please share this post to your network on LinkedIn. I’d love to have you join my group on LinkedIn, Thriving in Work and Life and we’ll build a community to inspire each other. Finally, if you’d like to hear about my new books on psychological safety at work and another on overcoming trauma when then come out, please sign up here.

Thank you, Microsoft, and goodbye.

Damon

Pain Drives Change

Humbled Part II-A Stronger Marriage That Can Pour Into Others

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others. 2 Tim 2:2

I’m flying home after spending the weekend in Oklahoma and Texas, spending time with a few men and their families who are coaches in Change YOUniversity. I’m beyond humbled as I reflect on the profound impact that Change YOUniversity has had on these men, their families, clients, and countless other people through these men’s decision to do everything possible to save their families.

Part II is my experience with Mike and his wife Jody from a few days ago..

“I’m hungry, let’s get dinner” I said to Mike and his wife Jody after spending a few hours in their beautiful home on 5 acres in Oklahoma, the same home that Jody moved out of barely a year and a half earlier after her counselor helped her realize that Mike was verbally and emotionally abusing her for their entire marriage.

We enjoyed dinner at a restaurant in the same town Jody grew up in. After dinner I asked if they’d show me the domestic abuse shelter that Jody was now the executive director of. She told me they were cautious to hire her a few months ago because she was a former client…..

We walked around the building and Jody showed me the office of her counselor that had walked her through her challenges with Mike and given her the courage she needed to separate from Mike the 2nd time 16 months ago. 

Then she began sharing the stories of the women and children that come for the services her organization offers. Women with black eyes and bruises all over their bodies. Women who have no cloths on their backs and can’t feed their children. Women who are scared for their lives and have lost all hope.

She showed me the room where men who are court ordered to attend a BIP “Batterer’s Intervention Program” attend mandatory classes every week. And she showed me the office of the counselor that ran the BIP was retiring. The emotional toil was too great to handle.

She shared her vision, and she continually said “I didn’t know what God was up to, but He did.”

“Let’s get dessert, I’m hungry for dessert” I said.

I sat across from Mike and Jody, watching them laugh and hold hands and recount their story from barely a year earlier. Jody shared that Mike was controlling and dominating in his words and actions. How she’d closed herself of to him because she didn’t feel safe with him. She shared how she was ready for divorce, but how God reminded her of a vision he’d given from piece of paper she had in her Bible. It was from a sermon she’d heard only a few months before they separated. A vision of a marriage that would pour into others, strong God fearing children, a debt free oasis, strong unbreakable bond with God, a clear calling, and missions.

And she shared how she saw this piece of paper as she was contemplating divorce from Mike.

I watched Mike as he listened, realizing it was only because of the mighty hand of God that they were together and sitting there with me.. He recounted the feelings of abandonment he’d felt when she said she wanted a divorce and left him alone in the dream house they’d build a few years earlier. He shared how in his hopelessness he cried out to God and how God put a Facebook ad in front of him. How he’d called and talked to Jace, another coach in Change YOUniversity. He shared how he couldn’t afford Change YOUniversity but how he knew that if he didn’t do it his marriage would certainly be over. And he shared how he trusted God and God provided the means.

I watched them sit in awe, listening to their own story and how only God knew the future. How they’d trusted God and worked on themselves, not knowing if their marriage would survive or be over.

Mike shared how Change YOUniversity and his coach, Ron had challenged him and held him accountable to change himself and do the hard work to change the parts of him that he didn’t even know existed until Jody left.

And he shared about the conversation he and Jody had after she called him out of the blue, having seen the sermon notes she’d scribbled a few months earlier. He recalled how slowly they began rebuilding their relationship, and how Jody began noticing a change in Mike. And she recalled him saying she’d changed too, but how she reminded him that she hadn’t changed, she was the same person she’d always been but because he’d changed she was now comfortable with allowing him to see all of her.

“God has fulfilled that vision, Jody” I said. They looked at each other and realized in a very short period of time, God had fully fulfilled the vision he’d laid out in the darkest season of their lives.

I looked at them with tears in my eyes. “I can’t believe what I’m seeing. 21 years ago I put a camera on a tripod in my darkest hours of despair and proclaimed that one day I was going to use my pain to help others overcome their pain. I didn’t know how it would happen, but I trusted God and He used my pain to change me.

I recalled sharing my book, Pain Drives Change, with Ron 5 years earlier before it was published in hopes that it would help him as he navigated the painful waters of his wife asking for a divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage. And I recalled Ron pouring into Mike as Mike navigated the painful waters of potentially his 3rd divorce. Ron challenged Mike to fully surrender and trust God with the outcome, and walked beside him every step of the way.

Earlier that day Mike introduced me to his pastors as he shared his passion to help other men change themselves so they could save their own families and generations. And he shared how the assignment from Change YOUniversity to meet with 5 Godly men brought him to Pastor Mike who boldly proclaimed the truth that Mike had to stop blaming everyone else and take responsibility for changing his own actions. This assignment came from the impact of the Godly men, Steve and Bob, that God put in my own life and spoke the truth to me as I tried to blame everyone else for my own problems.

The next morning I told them how proud I was of them and how honored I was to be in their lives. I told Jody the incredible impact she was having on these women who were hopeless, and I shared that it brought me back to my own childhood and wondered “where would I be if my mom had found a shelter like the one Jody was leading?”

Then I felt prompted to read my own mom’s story from my book. I choked back the tears as I read the letter my mom had written about how she had to give her children up because we were homeless after she fled with 38 stitches in her forehead, afraid that he was going to kill her.

“Jody, you are fulfilling your calling that God had you write down barely a year ago. I’m sitting in that debt free oasis that you wrote about. I believe that God is going to use both of you in unfathomable ways to impact lives through your own stories.”

Mike then talked about his own clients, how he was challenging them the way he’d been challenged, and how he was watching them grow as husbands and fathers. He talked on the phone with Jason, a coach in training who was beginning to reconcile with his wife and was ready to begin coaching his own clients.

I asked Mike and Jody if I could pray for them before I left to visit Josh. We sat on the back porch of their beautiful oasis in the fields of Oklahoma with a warm breeze blowing. I thanked God for the pain He’d brought me through, for the vision he’d given me, for the gift of being laid off from Microsoft to write my book, and the inspiration for Change YOUniversity. I thanked Him for Jace who talked to Mike when he called us and challenged him that if it was God’s will, he’d provide the money. I thanked Him for Ron and his obedience to grow closer to Him and for his coaching of Mike in this difficult season. I thanked him for Mike and his obedience and for Jody and her courage to walk away and trust God with the outcome. And I thanked him in advance for the impact they would have on so many people because of their obedience and faith in Him.

As we drove away from their oasis to get my rental car I asked Mike and Jody if they were ready to begin pouring into the couples who were beginning to reconcile because of what the men had learned and implemented in their own lives to change. I shared that I didn’t know exactly how it would happen, but that I trusted God to lead the way. They agreed that God was calling them and said they were ready to watch Him work. I created a coaching account for Jody and gave her my only copy of my book, Pain Drives Change, so that she could begin learning the same things that Mike had learned to change himself in Change YOUniversity.

Thank you Jesus for my pain and how you changed me through it. Thank you for Jace’s pain and how you changed him through it and gave him the conviction from his own change to challenge Mike to join Change YOUniversity. Thank you for Ron’s pain and how he chose to follow you through it. Thank you for Ron coaching Mike to keep his focus on Jesus and let God work on Jody. Thank you for Jody and her courage to walk away from the emotional abuse and get help, and for trusting you with the outcome. Thank you that you are using her experience to bear fruit as the leader of the facility she now leads. Thank you for Mike and his willingness to stop blaming everyone else for the problems in his family but to accept full responsibility. And thank you for how he us using his change to challenge other men who are now challenging other men to do the same. And thank you in advance for the countless families who will be transformed because of Mike and Jody’s miraculous story of redemption and hope.

If you are ready to fight for your family and give your marriage the best chance of surviving, give us a call. We’ve helped dozens of men like you change and save their families for generations!

Click to Schedule a Free Call
Pain Drives Change

Humbled Part I -Breaking Generational Curses

                                                                                                             April 25, 2021

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  1 Corinthians 1:3-4

I’m flying home after spending the weekend in Oklahoma and Texas, spending time with a few men and their families who are coaches in Change YOUniversity. I’m beyond humbled as I reflect on the profound impact that Change YOUniversity has had on these men, their families, clients, and countless other people through these men’s decision to do everything possible to save their families.

Part 1 is my experience with Josh and his boys from today

“My kids love IHOP, do you mind?” Josh asked.

“Not at all! Let’s do it” I said.

Gunner, Josh’s 12-year-old son asked to sit by me. Chase, his 10-year-old son sat across from me and by his dad, Josh.

Josh and I were talking over pancakes at IHOP about what he’s learning and how God is working in his life. I watched as Josh gently but lovingly asked Chase not to interrupt. A few minutes later, I observed Chase gently placing his hand on his dad’s tattooed arm, indicating that he wanted to share something. Josh then gently affirmed Chase, saying how proud he was for not interrupting and asking how he could help.

I couldn’t resist. I’d observed Chase the night before, tired from a long day’s drive and hungry because I was a few hours late for our visit. He struggled with not interrupting, but every time he struggled, Josh lovingly and gently asked him to be patient. Never yelling, never condescending, but always firm and loving.

“Chase, can I share something” I asked.

“Sure.”, he said.

“Put your phone down and look Mr. Stoddard in the eye” Josh said as Chase laid his phone down.

“Chase, I’m proud of you. I watched you not interrupt and let me finish, but letting your dad know by putting your hand on his arm. Thank you, that made me feel very respected. Good job” I said.

I watched Chase’s eyes light up and a huge smile form on his face. “Thank you.” He said.

Not to waste the opportunity that Josh had to teach his son something that had changed Josh’ life, he asked “Son, how did that make you feel. Use the feelings wheel, how did you feel?”

“I felt happy and confident, it felt really good when Mr. Stoddard complimented me” Chase said.

I felt the tears coming up as I was reminded of Josh’s story, and incredibly humbled at how God had used my own pain from 20 years ago to change me, change my family, and positively influence Josh’s life and his own children’s lives so that they never experience the trauma that Josh did as a child. The trauma that left him with deep wounds of abandonment and a tattoo that says “Trust no man”.

2.5 years ago Josh called me on the phone after watching my webinar, challenging him to step up and fight for his family. During our call he shared that he was separated from his wife and in deep pain. He shared how he’d overdosed on drugs and flatlined for a brief moment before he was ressuciated in the emergency room. He shared his deep pain and remorse for what he’d done to his wife, family and said he’d do anything to save his marriage.

Then I asked him the question. “What will happen to your children and grandchildren if you don’t change, Josh”. He knew the answer and in that moment made a decision that would change generations. He joined the Change YOUniversity Fighting for Your Family program.

As I sat across from Chase his 10-year-old son, grinning ear to ear, I saw the impact of his decision and dedication to Change YOUniversity.  I remembered the conversations Josh and I had about the greatest commandment, about defining his unifying life principles, about not isolating when he feared abandonment, about working with Pam, our wise counselor to heal the deep wounds. I remembered watching himself pour his heart into Overcoming Adverse Childhood Experiences and learn of the impact of his own childhood experiences. I remembered his wisdom as he challenged his own clients in Change YOUniversity much like I’d challenged him.

And I remembered his tears when he realized how his unhealed trauma was playing out through his older children who were numbing their pain through drugs, alcohol, and other addictions.

Most importantly, I remembered the decision he’d made to do everything possible to fight for his family. And I watched through Chase’s smile from the gentle approval that his father gave how his decision was not only transforming his family, but undoubtedly would transform his great grandchildren.

Josh then asked his 12-year-old son, Gunnar, to share how he’d helped his friend a few weeks earlier.

Gunnar shared how his friend a few weeks earlier was suicidal because he’d made a mistake and his parents yelled and screamed at him, calling him names and convincing him he was worthless.

He then shared about how he had encouraged his friend, reminding him he’d made a mistake and it was ok. Letting him know that he loved him and he wasn’t worthless and that he’d be there for him no matter what. And he shared how his friend didn’t commit suicide because of Gunnar’s “coaching”.

“Where did you learn that” I asked Gunnar?

“Oh, that’s easy. I learned it from watching my dad coach men in Change YOUniversity group.”

I put my hand on his shoulder, telling him how proud I was of him, and I watched him smile ear to ear as his dad sat across the table and said “I’m proud of you son.”

“Boys, your dad is an amazing man. Do you know how I met him?” I asked.

“Didn’t he call you?”

“Yeah, it was almost 3 years ago. Do you remember your dad from 3 years ago?” I asked.

“Oh yeah. He was angry. Always yelling at us, telling us we were worthless. Always drinking. It was scary” Gunnar said with no remorse, knowing that that man, his dad, had been forgiven and that he was now the safest, most loving and encouraging man on the planet.

In that moment I was brought back 21 years. I remembered my own struggles with anger and yelling, and I remembered going to jail for my anger. I remembered trying to change but never changing. I remembered separating from my wife and abandoning my 18 month old daughter much like I’d been abandoned as a child. I remembered putting the camera on a tripod and recording a video journal. And I remembered the words I said in my deepest despair.

“I don’t know how I’m going to change, but I will. And one day God is going to use my pain to help other men change.”

I remembered being laid off from Microsoft in 2015, God’s way of ensuring the vision he’d given me 16 years earlier would come to pass through the writing of my book, Pain Drives Change.

I remembered seeking my “calling” from God in 2017 as I approached my 50th birthday. And I remembered birthing Change YOUniversity a few months later, a coaching program to help men fight for their families and transform generations.

And I remembered that call with Josh, a man broken and filled with remorse and fear for the damage he’d caused his wife and children through the anger his son, gunnar, was now sharing with me.

“Your dad is an amazing man. Can I share how he changed?” I asked Gunnar.

“Sure” he said.

“Your dad took full responsibility for his actions. He stopped locking his feelings up inside and was surrounded by a group of men who loved him, encouraged him, and challenged him to do the right thing even though it was hard. He learned the value of repentance and integrity, fessing up when he messed up. And when satan tried to fill him with shame, much like  your friend, we came along side your dad and let him know that he wasn’t worthless, that he was human and God was allowing his mistakes so that he could grow into the man that he is today.”

We then talked about the Bible, and Gunnar shared in great detail the story of Adam and Eve and their own sin. I commented that his knowledge of the story was greater than most men I know and said “You have a gift. Do you want to be a coach in Change YOUniversity one day?”

“Yeah! That would be awesome.” Gunnar responded.

Josh and I looked at each other, watching the vision that God was laying out through Gunnar.

Changed people change people. Josh changed and through his change he’d changed his sons. Their change was changing their friends, and would change generations.

“Change YOUniversity for children” Josh said as I got chills down my spine, realizing that God had just revealed a larger vision that He would bring to pass in due time.

Humbled is the understatement of the century. God in his undeniable wisdom knew what He was doing 21 years ago when I placed that camera on a tripod and proclaimed that I would use the pain I was experiencing to help other people one day.

You’ll know a tree by its fruit. The fruit of Josh’s change is most evident in his children who are already bearing fruit. But it’s also evident in the clients he’s coached and the coaches he’s coaching through his own example of vulnerability, courage, and unrelenting tenacity to do what he said he was going to do 2.5 years earlier on that call.

Thank you, Jesus, for the pain you brought me through so many years ago. Thank you for walking beside me and bringing Bob and Steve into my life to teach me so that I could one day teach Josh who is now teaching his sons and all the clients and coaches you put in his life.

If you are interested in learning more about Change YOUniversity and how you might break the generational curses in your own family, we’d love to help. Sign up for a free call!

Click to Schedule a Free Call
Apathy or Action, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change

Pain Drives Change-Reflecting On The Blessings

Consider it joy my brethren when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have its perfect result so that you’ll be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing

James 1:2-4

Five years ago, I sat down at my computer to write a blog that quickly went viral. Later that day I turned in my computer and handed Microsoft my badge. Microsoft made the decision to lay-off people associated with the Nokia acquisition and I was one of those employees.

I could have chosen to be angry and fearful for my future, many others that were laid off chose this path. Instead, I chose gratitude. My deceased mom gave me the gift of gratitude as she modeled writing a gratitude journal every day, through good and bad.

I chose gratitude. Two days earlier when my manager informed me that I’d been laid off. I was shocked. I quickly came to my senses and looked at her stating “I’ll be fine, I serve a big God. How are you?”

In that blog I thanked Microsoft and said goodbye.

https://www.damonstoddard.com/thank-you-microsoft-and-goodbye/

I had no idea what my future held, but I knew God did and I chose to trust Him, I chose joy in this trial.

A few months later I’d written my book, Pain Drives Change. A book that today is impacting thousands of lives and became the foundation of my coaching system, Change YOUniversity.

And I got to spend significant quality time with my mom writing my book before she died in peace with the nurses Faith and Grace by her side.

A general manager saw my blog and created a role on her team for me to return to Microsoft. I re-entered the doors of Microsoft five short months after being laid off. I returned to an office a block away from my old office with a job that was more aligned to my strengths.

I didn’t know what God was up to, but He did.

Two years later my wife had cancer for the second time.

Microsoft had just implemented a policy allowing family members to take extended paid leave to care for ill family members. I took this time off and spent it with my wife as she recovered.

A short year later I discovered that I had cancer.

Once again, Microsoft took care of me and my medical bills. I used the skills I’d learned as the quality manager for Xbox to help pinpoint the source of my cancer and I used the data to convince my doctors to pursue this cutting edge cancer treatment called Trans Oral Robotic Surgery.

As a result, they found my cancer, and removed it completely.

But my treatment wasn’t over. I needed six weeks of radiation and a few months to recover. Microsoft took care of me through paid medical leave allowing me to heal completely emotionally and physically before my return to work.

Yesterday I learned that I’m still cancer free and the prognosis is very good that it won’t return!

I didn’t know what God was up to when I wrote my second book while I was going through my cancer battle, but He did.

Writing brought me peace and gave me a bigger purpose, praying that my writing would one day inspire others in similar situations. I wrote about that in Chapter 5 on July 15, 2019 a little more than a year ago. Here’s a snippet from that writing.

Today, on my 5-year anniversary of writing that blog “Thank You Microsoft and Goodbye” God revealed part of His bigger plan. My story will be broadly shared and bring hope to countless people.

I believe that everyone going through trials in their lives ask the question “why?”. I certainly do.

Today as I reflect on the past five years I can truly say beyond the shadow of a doubt that choosing joy in our trials allows God to use our trials to not only perfect us, but to bring hope and meaning to others.

Thank you, mom for teaching me how to be grateful in all things through your example. Thank you Jesus that you inspired me to write that blog five years ago, that you have used my pain to change me and given me opportunities to share my story that is offering hope to so many. Thank you, Microsoft for caring for me as a person and creating a culture and offering benefits to ensure that my personal needs and family’s needs are taken care of. And thank you, Jesus in advance for the impact that my books and story will have on people in need of hope.

Damon

P.S. If you’re interested in my book you can get a personalized copy below. For every book sold I’ll donate 100% of the profit ($10) and Microsoft will match that $10 to raise awareness of cancer and offer assistance to those with cancer.

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Apathy or Action, Cancer

I’m Cancer Free!

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Wahoo!

Three months ago I rode my bike to the University of Washington for my final radiation treatment. Yeah, I know, people that go through cancer treatment don’t typically ride their bikes 15 miles for their last treatment. But I had to go for a bike ride, to feel the sun on my face and listen to the worship music that fed my soul and helped me connect with my creator. Trust me, I connected with Him on this ride. I listened to Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crowns, the song that carried me through some of the most challenging times of my life and the same song that I titled the first chapter of my new book after. My choice to praise Him in the storm brought me peace when nothing else would. And I listened to In Your Presence by Jeremy Camp, the same song that had me weeping like a baby as I waited to hear the extent of my cancer and wrote about it in another chapter of my book. As I rode my bike that day I looked up to see His majestic creation of Lake Washington and Mount Rainier in the distance and I raised my hands to the heavens thanking Him that my cancer was treated and that I was alive. As I biked closer to the UW I heard the final song All Creatures of Our God and King by The David Crowder Band-Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia. I’m alive! I’m alive! I’m alive I thought as the tears continued to flow.

I had my final treatment listening to the Pandora radio station that brought me peace over the previous 6 weeks and 29 treatments. Coincidentally, the last song was the first song, Praise You in the Storm. But it wasn’t a coincidence. He orchestrated the perfect song to place the other bookend on my cancer treatment that was now complete.

I exited the radiation room and hugged all the nurses that had lifted my spirits and encouraged me through the journey. Then I emerged in the waiting room to my family waiting for me. I rang the bell and celebrated. I was done with the radiation treatment and my body could begin the slow journey of returning to its normal state.

My body began healing but my emotions needed additional time to heal. I will forever be grateful to Microsoft and the benefits that allowed me to take additional time to heal both physically and emotionally.

Last week I went back to the UW for my 3-month check-up. The CT scan showed no signs of concern. For the first time I saw the area of my tongue that was surgically removed in August along with the tiny cancer tumor. They numbed my nose and throat and stuffed a high definition camera in through my nose to reveal there were no signs of cancer. The only thing it revealed was a swollen epiglottis explaining why I still struggle with swallowing occasionally and why my voice is occasionally different.

I walked back and high fived the nurses letting them know that I had stabilized my weight since my last treatment, thanking them for sternly telling me that I needed to stop losing weight.

And then I walked out the door and drove home to celebrate with my family.

Wahoo! I’m cancer free!!!

Thank you Jesus!

P.S. My new book about my journey with cancer will be available in a few days. You can order a copy below.

Apathy or Action, Bipolar, Cancer, Lessons learned, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

I Have Cancer Part 13-I Can’t

9/20/2019

I just finished my 8th radiation treatment. That puts me at 26.7% complete. This is going to sound crazy, but stick with me….

I LOVE my daily dose of radiation!


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to the pain, loss of taste, loss of saliva, and tiredness they are promising me. But I love my daily visits to UW for my radiation treatment.

Crazy, I know…and a lot different than my attitude a little less than 2 weeks ago where I was in denial and didn’t want to do it.

What changed? Simple. My attitude and outlook. I chose action in lieu of my previous apathetic attitude toward radiation. Nothing else changed. Just my attitude and the resultant actions that followed.

What triggered this change? Pain. But not the pain of radiation treatment or cancer, it was the severe and debilitating pain I experienced more than 10 years ago. This pain drove me to change, and I’m still reaping the benefits of that changed today.

In order to fully understand why I love my radiation treatments I’ll need to go back to that time when I was in extreme and debilitating pain.

It January 17, 2007. The middle of “winter” in Seattle. Weeks of grey rainy weather and no sign of the sun was getting me down. I called my wife on the phone crying my eyes out. I was depressed and couldn’t make it through the day. I was hopeless and miserable.

I’m bipolar and I was experiencing the depressive phase of manic depression. I’d been here before, but this time was different. I’d decided to stop taking my medication because it was killing my emotions (I felt like a zombie) and it had contributed to my massive weight gain (I was nearly 260 pounds with my ideal adult weight being 205 pounds). Stopping the medication helped me feel again, I certainly could feel my emotions now as I sobbed on the phone with my wife.

2 days later I wrote in my journal, my depression had reached a point of debilitation.

“Stayed home from work, couldn’t get energy to get up”

 

I laid on the couch all morning with tears in my eyes being overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and depression. I felt hopeless. In my pain I was forced to change. I called a friend and he encouraged me to go back on the medication. Reluctantly, I agreed.

 

My moods started to improve. Over the next few months I started gathering clues about the cause of my depression. Here are a few excerpts from my journal:

 

January 23

…. Feeling very sad and disheartened afterward. What is my future???

January 24

Moods fluctuate considerably within a day. Realized that I don’t have a VISION…so nothing pulls me forward

January 27

Feeling VERY sleepy and lethargic. Related to getting up at 5:30?

January 30

3rd day in a row feeling good, wow! 10 minutes of sun lamp today, too..

February 5

Feeling more lethargic today. It is cloudy and gloomy out. Work is slow today as well…is that a clue?

February 6

Exercised at lunch yesterday, felt good.

February 16

Worked at home today. Felt good because I got some results (and watched a guy I’m mentoring get results).

June 7

Stopped taking Lexapro because feeling WAY too stimulated.

July 11

AWESOME Team Offsite. Developing leaders makes me PERFECTLY congruent

Aug 15

Back to work after long vacation at Lake Roosevelt. Absolutely Incredible!

 

The “factors” that seemed to contribute to my depression (and/or help remove the depression)

  • Having a vision for my future
  • Not having adequate sleep
  • Sunlight
  • Exercise
  • Mentoring/coaching
  • Developing leaders
  • Family vacation time

Unfortunately, a few months later the weather began to turn, and I began feeling depressed again.

Before I share the rest of the story, I have a confession to make. I started writing this chapter almost 2 weeks ago and I haven’t been able to finish it because I felt like a hypocrite writing about feeling AWESOME when it quickly became a lie. I haven’t been feeling awesome, I’ve been tired and consumed with something I didn’t expect to happen. My body started to itch everywhere. I thought it was associated with the radiation, but the doctors swear it isn’t. It got so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night scratching, but I found no relief. I called the dermatologist and unfortunately had to wait almost a week before seeing them. The itching became worse and worse. I became more and more frustrated and my calves were covered in sores where I’d scratched so much I broke through the skin.

And I’m writing a chapter about how great I feel? I simply couldn’t do it. It was a lie.

When I finally met the dermatologist, I pleaded with her to do anything to stop the itching. She looked at my body and boldly declared “I don’t know what is causing this.” She proceeded to take a biopsy declaring “I doubt it will reveal anything, but we have to try.” She then decided to throw everything at my itching to stop it. She prescribed creams and anti-itch pills and allergy medicine and moisturizers and….

But it didn’t work. I woke up in the middle of the night and I itched so bad that I almost woke my wife up to take me to the hospital.

A few days later I was watching my daughter’s volleyball game and my arms began breaking out in little bumps everywhere. I quickly drove to the dermatologist’s office only to find that they were closed. I called to talk with the on-call physician and got a voicemail.

The next morning, they called me back. “I’m sorry Mr. Stoddard, but there isn’t anything more we can do. Are you showering regularly?”

Yes, I said!

“You might want to cut back on showers and make sure they are cold to lukewarm and try not to use much soap.”

“Oh, and did she tell you this would go on for weeks before it might clear up?”

“No, she didn’t. Thank you for the call.”

Weeks? I had to continue to deal with this itching for weeks? My spirits plummeted. Here I am going through radiation treatments for cancer and now I have to go through weeks of itching so badly that I am scratching through the skin?

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life

I was crushed. I became cynical and started snapping at my wife when she tried to have a conversation with me. My heart was sick.

I had a choice. I could dwell in my misery or I could accept it. I’m not sure when it happened, but I accepted it. My itchy skin was 100% out of my control. The specialists were doing all they could. I accepted it.

I continued doing everything I could to take care of myself making sure I filled my time with things that give me energy and remove things that don’t.

I had dinner with my friend and inspiration who is going through cancer that may be terminal. I rode my bike to and from work. I listened to worship music in my truck. I spent evenings coaching my junior football players. I spent an evening in the rain with my family watching our high school football team destroy their opponents. I went to the Casting Crowns concert with my family and worshipped my God who gives and takes away. I developed a program to help my coaches in Change YOUniversity grow to the next level. I spent time at my vacation home. I celebrated my being halfway done with radiation treatments by biking 20 miles to my 15th treatment in the sun along Lake Washington.

And somehow the itching doesn’t consume me anymore. Maybe it’s the medicine and the creams. Or maybe it’s a result of continuing to love myself by taking care of myself that has almost eliminated my skin itching.

I just returned from the dermatologist. The biopsy was inconclusive. It might be weeks before my itching is completely gone. But it doesn’t matter. I’ve accepted that I’ll itch and I’ve accepted that we will never know what caused the itching. But it doesn’t matter….

I just completed my 16th radiation treatment and I feel FANTASTIC. My energy is through the roof, the pain from the radiation only reveals itself when I swallow, and it’s not extreme. I’ve lost my sense of taste and about half my saliva. But I feel FANTASTIC.

Why do I feel fantastic? Let’s go back in time to about 10 years ago when I learned a powerful lesson on life

Your system is perfectly designed to get you the results you are getting…

Deming

Fall was coming and I began to feel very anxious that once again I was entering deep depression, the same depression that left me on the couch unable to get up and go to work less than a year earlier.

A few entries in my journal revealed some more clues as to why I was feeling depressed.

9/18/2007

Wellbutrin…started today..

10/03/2007

Woke up this morning and almost in tears for no reason…

10/06/2007

Going to start Lexapro today

10/08/2007

Debbie and I decided that the Lexapro isn’t going to work…just makes me too distant. We’re going to try to stabilize the Wellbutrin by going to SR vs. XL.

 

Also, I’m going to stop being a victim…take walks in the morning, eat right, exercise, change my thought processes.

10/11/2007

Feeling REALLY sad and empty this morning….despair, no hope for the future

10/17/2007

Woke up anxious, called Dad and started to cry. Called Don and started to cry. Is this a spiritual battle?

10/18/2007

This is a spiritual battle, and I’m going to fight it with spiritual weapons! Tears again this morning. Began running in the mornings today.

10/19/2007

Feel better today than I have in a long time. Took 150 Welbutrin XL last night and 150 this morning. Attacking this like a spiritual battle. With HIM I will emerge victorious!

    

I’d decided to try a new medication to help with my depression, Wellbutrin. Unfortunately, the Wellbutrin didn’t help my depression, so I started taking my old medication, Lexapro. A few days later I realized why I stopped taking the Lexapro. It numbed my emotions and it had a very negative impact on or relationship.

Debbie and I had the talk that would change my life and the lives of all the people I influence.

Apathy would say that I was a victim of bipolar and me and my family would suffer the consequences because of this biological condition. After all, I had a good excuse. I was born with bipolar and it was out of my control.

Action would say that I may not have control over my biological conditions, but I have complete control over my actions to minimize the impact.

Apathy or Action

I had a tough decision to make. Was I going to choose to remain apathetic about my condition or was I going to stop being a victim and take action? Pain drives change and I was suffering enormous emotional pain through my depression and anxiety.

I chose action.

“I’m going to stop being a victim…take walks in the morning, eat right, exercise, change my thought processes.”

The action I took started with a decision. A decision to start taking care of myself. A decision to start loving myself.

I wish I could say things got better after that decision. They didn’t. In fact only 3 days later I woke up and wrote “Feeling sad and empty this morning….despair, no hope for the future.”

A week later nothing had changed. I was in tears and feeling helpless, full of fear and all alone. I called my dad crying my eyes out.

Then I called my pastor, my friend, and the man who has made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else.

“Don, I can’t stop crying. I’m depressed, full of anxiety and nothing is helping.”

“Damon, I think it’s a spiritual battle and you need to attack it spiritually. Read the book ‘Waking the Dead’, spend time daily in the Bible, pray, and sing your favorite worship music.

The next morning was different. I woke up in tears again, but this time I wasn’t a victim to my tears. I took action. I went for a run (well, actually it was a walk with a short jog in the middle) and during this run I listened to my favorite worship music (very loud) and I verbally spoke a few of my favorite scriptures out loud.

2 Timothy 1:7

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

Wow, that felt good. So, I said it again, this time louder.

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

It was as if these words penetrated the fear and the anxiety and depression lifted. I stopped feeling like a victim and started feeling hope that I’d be victorious. So I said it again, this time I said it like I believed it!

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

The next morning I felt better than I had in a long time. My apathy was gone and now I was taking action.

“Attacking this like a spiritual battle. With HIM I will emerge victorious!”

The next morning I continued my routine and wrote in my journal “Feel Good”. And the next morning I did the same and wrote in my journal “Feel Good”. And the next and the next and the next…..

Don was right. It was a spiritual battle and for the first time in 40 years I began winning the battle with my new spiritual weapons of scripture, worship music, time in nature, and taking care of my body by running!!

But God was just getting started with my transformation. That weekend I attended a men’s conference. I cried on the way to the conference, but felt incredibly refreshed on the drive home. God gave me a vision for the purpose of my life at that conference. A vision that ignited a deep passion inside of me. A vision that would utilize everything I’d gone through for my entire life to benefit others. He gave me a vision for developing men.

Proverbs 29:18

“Without a vision the people perish”

This new vision for my life inspired me. I no longer struggled to get out of bed in the morning but began looking forward to my time in the morning to worship, exercise, and be in nature. To nurture the vision He’d given me while I was in the wilderness.

A month later I came across another scripture that explained where I was and where I’d be going.

Jeremiah 17:7-9

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. “For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.”

I was learning how to trust in the Lord. I was building deep roots. He was preparing me for the heat that would come into my life over the coming years, and He was showing me how not to be anxious in this heat and continue bearing fruit in my life.

12/22/2007

Sun lamp in the morning. I like how it makes me feel!

1/3/2008

Started training for a 5k today!

1/9/2008

Sunlamp or running or Wellbutrin are having a consistent effect on my attitude/moods

4/30/2008

Great meeting with my mentor. He pointed out that others are noticing I’m “changing” (e.g. considering others’ needs before my own). God spoke to me in this moment..

6/02/2008

Good weekend. Been feeling pretty good for a long time

 

In the next few months my relationship with Christ grew stronger than it had ever been. I set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. and every morning I got up. I stopped walking outside in the mornings because of the weather but I started going to my chair in the living room. I discovered that I also suffered with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and that using a sunlamp in the morning had the same impact on me that the sun did. I sat in front of the sunlamp, listened to worship music, read my Bible and my soul was replenished.

A few months earlier I was in tears in the morning. Now I couldn’t wait to get out of bed and nourish my soul!

I continued running and set a goal to run my first 5k. I began running 3-5 times per week and discovered that I always had incredible energy after my runs. I completed my first 5k right after my son, Nathan was born!

Don and I had breakfast a few months later. He shared that the changes in me were obvious. Many people commented to him that I was changing. He shared that I was no longer selfish but becoming selfless. I was putting others needs in front of my own and they were noticing it.

On June 2, 2008 I wrote in my journal:

“Good weekend. Been feeling pretty good for a long time.”

I changed my system and it changed the results in my life. I chose action over apathy. I chose not to be a victim and emerged victorious.

These lessons carried me through my daughter’s struggles with addiction. They carried me through my wife’s battle with cancer. They carried me through my time of being laid off from Microsoft. They carried me through my mother’s sickness and eventual death. They carried me through my wife’s 2nd bout with cancer and they are carrying me through my own bout with cancer.

On October 3, 2007 I was entering severe depression. I woke up with tears in my eyes. That was exactly 12 years ago. I’m writing this on October 3, 2019. My mood swings from bipolar are 100% gone. I have never experienced depression since. I have tons of energy and I’m living the life of my dreams. I’m on my 17th day of radiation treatment and I feel better than the day I started treatment. I feel the sun on my back and I’ve decided that I’m going to bike 22 miles to radiation treatment again today. The doctors tell me that the next 4 weeks are going to be very difficult. You might say I’m entering a season of drought. But I am not anxious. I trust in the Lord. He has carried me before and He will carry me during this season as well.

Thank you Jesus for the lessons you taught me in my pain 12 years ago. Thank you that you didn’t remove my pain until I learned the lessons. Thank you that you helped me turn these lessons into habits, habits that carried me so many times and will carry me in the future. Thank you for the fruit from these lessons. Thank you for the vision that is becoming a reality, the vision of developing men. Thank you for the gift of writing. Thank you for replenishing my soul while I worship you on my bike rides in the sun listening to my favorite music.

And thank you for the cancer that was in my body a few months ago and will never return. If I hadn’t had that cancer I wouldn’t have written this book. Jesus I pray that my experiences will bring glory to you and positively influence those who I influence.

Amen

P.S. I’ve received overwhelming feedback about the inspiration my story is offering people so I’ve decided to write and publish a book. If you’re interested, you can pre-order it here. I’ll be donating 200% of the profits to help raise awareness of treatment options for head and neck cancer.


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