April 25, 2021
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 1 Corinthians 1:3-4
I’m flying home after spending the weekend in Oklahoma and Texas, spending time with a few men and their families who are coaches in Change YOUniversity. I’m beyond humbled as I reflect on the profound impact that Change YOUniversity has had on these men, their families, clients, and countless other people through these men’s decision to do everything possible to save their families.
Part 1 is my experience with Josh and his boys from today
“My kids love IHOP, do you mind?” Josh asked.
“Not at all! Let’s do it” I said.
Gunner, Josh’s 12-year-old son asked to sit by me. Chase, his 10-year-old son sat across from me and by his dad, Josh.
Josh and I were talking over pancakes at IHOP about what he’s learning and how God is working in his life. I watched as Josh gently but lovingly asked Chase not to interrupt. A few minutes later, I observed Chase gently placing his hand on his dad’s tattooed arm, indicating that he wanted to share something. Josh then gently affirmed Chase, saying how proud he was for not interrupting and asking how he could help.
I couldn’t resist. I’d observed Chase the night before, tired from a long day’s drive and hungry because I was a few hours late for our visit. He struggled with not interrupting, but every time he struggled, Josh lovingly and gently asked him to be patient. Never yelling, never condescending, but always firm and loving.
“Chase, can I share something” I asked.
“Sure.”, he said.
“Put your phone down and look Mr. Stoddard in the eye” Josh said as Chase laid his phone down.
“Chase, I’m proud of you. I watched you not interrupt and let me finish, but letting your dad know by putting your hand on his arm. Thank you, that made me feel very respected. Good job” I said.
I watched Chase’s eyes light up and a huge smile form on his face. “Thank you.” He said.
Not to waste the opportunity that Josh had to teach his son something that had changed Josh’ life, he asked “Son, how did that make you feel. Use the feelings wheel, how did you feel?”
“I felt happy and confident, it felt really good when Mr. Stoddard complimented me” Chase said.
I felt the tears coming up as I was reminded of Josh’s story, and incredibly humbled at how God had used my own pain from 20 years ago to change me, change my family, and positively influence Josh’s life and his own children’s lives so that they never experience the trauma that Josh did as a child. The trauma that left him with deep wounds of abandonment and a tattoo that says “Trust no man”.
2.5 years ago Josh called me on the phone after watching my webinar, challenging him to step up and fight for his family. During our call he shared that he was separated from his wife and in deep pain. He shared how he’d overdosed on drugs and flatlined for a brief moment before he was ressuciated in the emergency room. He shared his deep pain and remorse for what he’d done to his wife, family and said he’d do anything to save his marriage.
Then I asked him the question. “What will happen to your children and grandchildren if you don’t change, Josh”. He knew the answer and in that moment made a decision that would change generations. He joined the Change YOUniversity Fighting for Your Family program.
As I sat across from Chase his 10-year-old son, grinning ear to ear, I saw the impact of his decision and dedication to Change YOUniversity. I remembered the conversations Josh and I had about the greatest commandment, about defining his unifying life principles, about not isolating when he feared abandonment, about working with Pam, our wise counselor to heal the deep wounds. I remembered watching himself pour his heart into Overcoming Adverse Childhood Experiences and learn of the impact of his own childhood experiences. I remembered his wisdom as he challenged his own clients in Change YOUniversity much like I’d challenged him.
And I remembered his tears when he realized how his unhealed trauma was playing out through his older children who were numbing their pain through drugs, alcohol, and other addictions.
Most importantly, I remembered the decision he’d made to do everything possible to fight for his family. And I watched through Chase’s smile from the gentle approval that his father gave how his decision was not only transforming his family, but undoubtedly would transform his great grandchildren.
Josh then asked his 12-year-old son, Gunnar, to share how he’d helped his friend a few weeks earlier.
Gunnar shared how his friend a few weeks earlier was suicidal because he’d made a mistake and his parents yelled and screamed at him, calling him names and convincing him he was worthless.
He then shared about how he had encouraged his friend, reminding him he’d made a mistake and it was ok. Letting him know that he loved him and he wasn’t worthless and that he’d be there for him no matter what. And he shared how his friend didn’t commit suicide because of Gunnar’s “coaching”.
“Where did you learn that” I asked Gunnar?
“Oh, that’s easy. I learned it from watching my dad coach men in Change YOUniversity group.”
I put my hand on his shoulder, telling him how proud I was of him, and I watched him smile ear to ear as his dad sat across the table and said “I’m proud of you son.”
“Boys, your dad is an amazing man. Do you know how I met him?” I asked.
“Didn’t he call you?”
“Yeah, it was almost 3 years ago. Do you remember your dad from 3 years ago?” I asked.
“Oh yeah. He was angry. Always yelling at us, telling us we were worthless. Always drinking. It was scary” Gunnar said with no remorse, knowing that that man, his dad, had been forgiven and that he was now the safest, most loving and encouraging man on the planet.
In that moment I was brought back 21 years. I remembered my own struggles with anger and yelling, and I remembered going to jail for my anger. I remembered trying to change but never changing. I remembered separating from my wife and abandoning my 18 month old daughter much like I’d been abandoned as a child. I remembered putting the camera on a tripod and recording a video journal. And I remembered the words I said in my deepest despair.
“I don’t know how I’m going to change, but I will. And one day God is going to use my pain to help other men change.”
I remembered being laid off from Microsoft in 2015, God’s way of ensuring the vision he’d given me 16 years earlier would come to pass through the writing of my book, Pain Drives Change.
I remembered seeking my “calling” from God in 2017 as I approached my 50th birthday. And I remembered birthing Change YOUniversity a few months later, a coaching program to help men fight for their families and transform generations.
And I remembered that call with Josh, a man broken and filled with remorse and fear for the damage he’d caused his wife and children through the anger his son, gunnar, was now sharing with me.
“Your dad is an amazing man. Can I share how he changed?” I asked Gunnar.
“Sure” he said.
“Your dad took full responsibility for his actions. He stopped locking his feelings up inside and was surrounded by a group of men who loved him, encouraged him, and challenged him to do the right thing even though it was hard. He learned the value of repentance and integrity, fessing up when he messed up. And when satan tried to fill him with shame, much like your friend, we came along side your dad and let him know that he wasn’t worthless, that he was human and God was allowing his mistakes so that he could grow into the man that he is today.”
We then talked about the Bible, and Gunnar shared in great detail the story of Adam and Eve and their own sin. I commented that his knowledge of the story was greater than most men I know and said “You have a gift. Do you want to be a coach in Change YOUniversity one day?”
“Yeah! That would be awesome.” Gunnar responded.
Josh and I looked at each other, watching the vision that God was laying out through Gunnar.
Changed people change people. Josh changed and through his change he’d changed his sons. Their change was changing their friends, and would change generations.
“Change YOUniversity for children” Josh said as I got chills down my spine, realizing that God had just revealed a larger vision that He would bring to pass in due time.
Humbled is the understatement of the century. God in his undeniable wisdom knew what He was doing 21 years ago when I placed that camera on a tripod and proclaimed that I would use the pain I was experiencing to help other people one day.
You’ll know a tree by its fruit. The fruit of Josh’s change is most evident in his children who are already bearing fruit. But it’s also evident in the clients he’s coached and the coaches he’s coaching through his own example of vulnerability, courage, and unrelenting tenacity to do what he said he was going to do 2.5 years earlier on that call.
Thank you, Jesus, for the pain you brought me through so many years ago. Thank you for walking beside me and bringing Bob and Steve into my life to teach me so that I could one day teach Josh who is now teaching his sons and all the clients and coaches you put in his life.
If you are interested in learning more about Change YOUniversity and how you might break the generational curses in your own family, we’d love to help. Sign up for a free call!